IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

OPIC 18: Some people think that the main purpose of schools is to turn children into good citizens and workers, rather than to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, many individuals admit that the essential objective of schools is to help young people only to become successful citizens and be employed rather than to help them in their personal lives.Personally , I don't agree with
this
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 point of view.
This
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 essay will discuss the reasons why
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 admit that
school
Use synonyms
's
role
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 is more than just helping children to become workers .
Firstly
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, children often pass the journey at
school
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 , it's a place for discovery, learn and building a strong personality with a crucial
role
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 in exploration.Taking the example of Michael Jordan, a Legend of all
-
Punctuation problem
apply
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time in basketball,his talent was discovered in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school
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 during a physical class .
School
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 teachers play a vital
role
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 in exploring the hidden talents of young people by watching and observing them during all classes. They will surely claim that many of them have a talent that needs to be developed, which is more important than just pushing them to become typical citizens in the future .
Moreover
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, innovation is not related to a specific age group
,
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;
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it can be made by a scientist
as well as
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 by a young child.Taking the example of the famous physician Albert Eineshtein , he started realising and observing physics theories since he was 13 years old , which is a masterpiece.
School
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 teachers should encourage children to innovate and
obtain
Verb problem
think
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critical
Replace the word
critically
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thinking
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apply
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.
In addition
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, a generation with strong personal characters will lead the country to
increase
Verb problem
grow
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 and climb through the years. In conclusion, it's true that the vital
role
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 of schools is to help minors to learn and gain information,
whereas
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 the other roles , like exploration and innovation, remain important to build a strong and independent generation , able to face any challenge.

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task response
Your view is clear and you say schools have a role beyond making citizens. Add more strong reasons and more facts to back up your view.
structure
Each paragraph should have one main idea. Start with a clear topic sentence and then explain it with one or two ideas.
coherence
Use linking words to show the flow. Words like first, also, but, however, finally help the reader follow.
grammar
Check grammar and spelling. Use simple sentence forms and end with a full stop. Capitalize I and the first word of sentences.
content
Examples should be accurate and clear. If you mention people, spell names right and check facts.
content
Clear position that schools have more work than just making workers.
structure
Good use of sign words to show order (Firstly, Moreover, In conclusion).
content
Some examples from well known people are used.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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