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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

the line graph shows the percentage of people who used five different communication methods between 1998 and 2008.

the line graph shows the percentage of people who used five different communication methods between 1998 and 2008.
The line graph illustrates the consumption of individuals who used five various communication methods
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
Landline
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
, Fixed
broadband
Use synonyms
, Cellular
phone
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
, Mobile
broadband
Use synonyms
 and Internet
service
Use synonyms
from
Punctuation problem
, from
show examples
 1998 to 2008
Overall
Linking Words
,
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 crystal clear that Cellular
phone
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
 demonstrates the highest
increase
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the graph provided only
Use synonyms
landline
Verb problem
shows landline
show examples
service
Use synonyms
 decreases in the initial
period
Use synonyms
. In the ultimate
Use synonyms
period
Add a comma
period,
show examples
 cellular
phone
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
 was the highest used method, opposite was true for Mobile
broadband
Use synonyms
on
Fix capitalization
On
show examples
 the one
hand
Punctuation problem
hand,
show examples
 cellular
phone
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
 showed
Correct article usage
a sharply
show examples
sharply
Replace the word
sharp
show examples
increase
Use synonyms
 .
in
Fix capitalization
In
show examples
1998
Punctuation problem
1998,
show examples
 it began at around 8% and
then
Linking Words
 increased
60
Change preposition
to 60
show examples
% in 2008 .
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 internet
service
Use synonyms
 demonstrated
Use synonyms
increase
Correct article usage
an increase
show examples
 over the
period
Use synonyms
 . The rate of internet
service
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
 from 5% in 1998 to 20% in 2008
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
show examples
Landline
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
 was the communication method which one
decreases
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 in the initial
period
Use synonyms
.
Landline
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
 started out with a slow
increase
Use synonyms
 from 15% to 20% after that
Use synonyms
Landline
Punctuation problem
, Landline
show examples
service
Use synonyms
decreases
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
around
Change preposition
by around
show examples
10%.
Correct your spelling
10%. Then,
then
Linking Words
 the rate of Mobile
broadband
Use synonyms
 experienced a slight
increase
Use synonyms
. Increases from 0% to 10% .
Fixed
Correct article usage
The fixed
show examples
broadband
Use synonyms
 method was started in 2002 and demonstrated a little bit
increase
Use synonyms
 from 0% to 8% in the initial
period
Use synonyms

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Vocabulary: Replace the words landline, service, broadband, phone, increase, period with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreases" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 9 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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