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Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that school should concentrate on teaching students academic subjects that will be useful fot their future career. Other people think that subjects such as music and sports are also necessary. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays,
There
Fix capitalization
there
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 is a debate about
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Correct word choice
whether school
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school
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schools
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 should concentrate on teaching
students
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 academic
subjects
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 rather than
subjects
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such
Linking Words
 as music and sports because they think it
wil
Correct your spelling
will
 be useful to
students
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’
career
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careers
show examples
.
This
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eassay
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essay
 will discuss both views and give my opinion. One main reason why some people think
school
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 should focus on academic
subjects
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 is that
students
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 can enter
to
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apply
show examples
university and get sustainable
jobs
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. Many
good paid
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well-paid
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jobs
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 require a
hign
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high
 education
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such
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, such
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 as
doctor
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a doctor
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,
engineer
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an engineer
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 or
marketing
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a marketer
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. These
jobs
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 are
base
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based
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from
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on
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 academic
subjects
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.
For example
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,
doctor
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doctors
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 need to know
in
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apply
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math and science, and
also
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 spend a long time in university, but after
graduate
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graduating
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 they will get opportunities for
jobs
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 and a good paid. So,
that
Verb problem
that's
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 why people think schools should focus on and build
the
Correct article usage
a
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strongly
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strong
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 foundation for
students
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.
However
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, others think
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school
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schools
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 should
teaching
Wrong verb form
teach
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student
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students
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 about
secound
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secondary
sujects
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subjects
such
Linking Words
 as music and
sport
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sports
show examples
becuase
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because
 they think it
good
Verb problem
is good
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 for
students
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’ social skills, and it might be a second career choice.
For example
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, some
students
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do
Verb problem
are
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 not good at
in
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apply
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academic
subjects
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, but they have a talent in music.
Focing
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Forcing
 learn academic
subjects
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 might make them stressed, and close their
oppotunities
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opportunities
 to
choice
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choose
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 other ways.
Thus
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, schools should give all of
Correct article usage
the alternative
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alternative
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alternatives
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 to
student
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students
show examples
 as much as they can. In conclusion, both teaching academic
subjects
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 and teaching hobby
class
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classes
show examples
 have
own
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their own
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 advantages.
However
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, I believe that
school
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 should
teaching
Wrong verb form
teach
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 them
a long side
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alongside
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 would be the most effective.
the
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The
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students
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 will have more choices in their lives.

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language
Fix many spelling and word mistakes to help readers. Work on grammar.
structure
Use clear topic sentences. Start each paragraph with a main idea and stick to it.
coherence
Link ideas with simple words like and, but, also, for example to show clear links.
content
Give one or two strong examples and explain how they support your view.
task
End with a clear view, restate your main point in a short line.
content
The essay shows both sides of the topic.
structure
The opinion is given at the end.
content
Some examples talk about jobs and talent.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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