IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some countries prohibited rejecting job applicants due to their age. Is this positive or negative development?

These days, more and more countries have banned to decline
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 application forms of elderly individuals. I believe that applying
old
Correct word choice
older
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to the occupation has a lot of beneficial sides, but there are
also
Linking Words
 a few repercussions. Being illegal to discard an employment arrangement has
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
significant advantages . Most old
people
Use synonyms
 have suffered from not finding an appropriate place of work because of age limits.
However
Linking Words
, the government’s age discrimination laws played a key role in that problem. There are a number of benefits which old habitats lead to efficient profits.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who are aged have already experienced difficulties in their life span, so they can
alter
Verb problem
anticipate
show examples
 other colleges by upcoming issues.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Japan, a soccer player who was 58
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 showed several victories
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the football club.
Additionally
Linking Words
, he managed to train other team players by making a solid group of footballers. It is
proved
Use the right word
proven
show examples
 that only one person changed both the income and the privilege of the club.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, if elders are provided with
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
, they are likely to avoid financial aid
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the country. As companies hire
old
Use the right word
older
show examples
people
Use synonyms
, it will be both financially easier for the company and for the government’s budget. When
people
Use synonyms
 reach their 60th, they feel bored
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they will have nothing to do.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they will be ready for a short amount of salary in order to be proactive.
Instead
Linking Words
 of allocating money to the elderly, they can invest money in other sectors
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as education
However
Linking Words
,
all
Correct word order
not all
show examples
 types of occupations are
not
Correct word order
apply
show examples
suitable for elders.
For example
Linking Words
, physically demanding jobs as deliveries and factory jobs. Heavy-duty is not accurate for them; it can cause early death or major injuries. In conclusion,
old aged
Correct word choice
elderly
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 have already faced strains and hiring them would be an excellent idea in terms of profits

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make a short start that says your view and what you will talk about.
structure
Put one idea in each paragraph. The first paragraph states a point and the second adds another point.
coherence
Use more link words to show how ideas go with each other.
task response
Give more proof for each point. The example about the player fits but needs to tie to the point you make.
grammar
Check grammar and spell. Keep short and clear sentences.
lexical resource
Use simple words. Do not use hard words or long phrases.
task response
End with a clear conclusion that restates your view.
content
The idea that older people can work and help a business is clear.
example
A real example is used to show your point.
analysis
The writing shows you think about pros and cons.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: