IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Band 5+: The table shows the average annual income of people working in different sectors in 2004 , and the change from 2003. The pie chart shows the distribution of graduates in the different sectors.

The table demonstrates the average salary per year of those working in distinct sectors, and the change from 2003. The pie chart compares the rate of employment sectors
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
graduates
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is manifested that the yearly payment of public services was the highest,
opposing
Verb problem
in contrast
show examples
 to that of agriculture.
Additionally
Linking Words
, most
graduates
Use synonyms
 worked in
service
Correct article usage
the service
show examples
 sector,
while
Linking Words
 the minority was in
finance
Correct article usage
the finance
show examples
 one. Concerning the average annual income, the predominant position belonged to that of public services with 92,000, followed closely by finance, manufacturing salaries at 83,000 and 81,000, respectively. Though
remained
Correct pronoun usage
it remained
show examples
 at fourth place with 77,000, staff
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 wholesale and retail trade got their salaries with the most dramatic change of 8,4% compared to 2003. In the
mean time
Use the right word
meantime
show examples
, manufacturing,
along with
Linking Words
 agriculture workers
only
Punctuation problem
, only
show examples
 gained a perk of 52,000 and 40,000, in the given order.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
beside
Change preposition
besides
show examples
 wholesale and retail trade, the salaries of each category witnessed a few changes, mostly under 5% with
agricultural
Correct article usage
the agricultural
show examples
 field maintaining the lowest position at 2.31%. Regarding the distribution of
graduates
Use synonyms
 in each employing
fields
Fix the agreement mistake
field
show examples
, one-third chose to work
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public services,
while
Linking Words
 a quarter followed an agricultural career. 20% of the total post-students
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
also
Linking Words
 employed in the manufacturing industry. Notably, despite
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
show examples
 income, approximately 10% of the
graduates
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 employed in each transportation and wholesale and retail
sector
Fix the agreement mistake
sectors
show examples
.
Similarly
Linking Words
, a minimum of 5% was the proportion documented in the workforce of finance.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words graduates with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "change" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "change" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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