IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

more and more adults are playing computer games . why this is happening ? is this a positive or negative trend

Nowadays, computer
games
Use synonyms
 are increasingly being played by adults.
This
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 is largely
due to
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 long working hours and increased work pressure, and
this
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 should be seen as a negative
development
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 because it causes addiction and mental illness.
To begin
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 with, grown-ups often engage in playing online
games
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.
This
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 is mainly because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 these days most of the jobs are performed by using computers, and they have to spend an extended amount of time in their workplace focusing on important tasks, which makes them feel tired
,
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apply
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 and stressed.
As a result
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, playing
games
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 on the internet during their spare time
,
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 makes them feel more relaxed and less stressed.
For example
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, a recent study revealed that people who often engage in playing
games
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, whether it is online or physical, help them
to
Verb problem
apply
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reduce their mental stress.
Therefore
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, it is evident that adults follow
this
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 trend to reduce their work stress.
This
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 should be seen as a negative
development
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, because
such
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games
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 cause addictive behaviour
,
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apply
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 and mental fatigue.
That is
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 to say that
,
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apply
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such
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 a habit influences people to prioritise gaming over other important activities, which can lead to addiction problems.
Furthermore
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, long-term exposure to computer screens may have harmful impacts on
health
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,
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. For
show examples
for instance
Linking Words
, a recent medical study showed that prolonged exposure to electronic devices results in mental tiredness , which can lead to serious
health
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 issues
such
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 as mental fatigue. After the thorough analysis, it is evident that it leads to a negative
development
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 considering the
health
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 impacts. In conclusion, many grown-up individuals are playing
games
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 on the internet in order to reduce their work stress.
This
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 is directed towards negative
development
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 because it impacts the
overall
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health
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 and well-being of
such
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 individuals by causing addiction and mental problems.

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cohesion
Your essay has a view and a plan, but not all ideas are clear or tied well. Use two or three main ideas and explain them one by one with one simple example each.
content
Some facts need real proof. If you say a study shows something, give a clear source or keep to general statements.
content
A point can feel as both relaxed and negative. Make sure all ideas point to one main idea.
cohesion
Use linking words to show how ideas fit: first, next, also, but, so.
grammar
Check grammar: use simple sentence, fix comma use, make subject and verb fit.
content
The essay has a clear view and a conclusion.
content
It uses some reasons and a few examples to back the view.
structure
Some parts flow from cause to effect.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • immersive
  • stress relief
  • multiplayer games
  • online communities
  • cognitive challenges
  • mental stimulation
  • e-sports
  • socially acceptable
  • prestigious
  • purchasing power
  • sophisticated games
  • escapism
  • accessible
  • advertisements
  • adult demographics
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