IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

he bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who regularly participated in physical activity in 2010.

The graph illustrates the
difference
Use synonyms
 in the regularity of physical activity among Australians in terms of gender, across multiple
age
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Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, there was a clear
difference
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 between women and men in certain 45 to 54 where women had the highest participation rate at 53 per
cent
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, compared with 43 for
mens
Correct your spelling
men
, and
15
Correct article usage
the 15
show examples
 to 24
age
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 where males showed 52 per
cent
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, compared with 47 for females.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there was a notable gap in the 25 to 34
age
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group
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 with 43 percentage of men and 49 of
female
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females
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, even larger
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difference
Fix the agreement mistake
differences
show examples
 can be observed at
35
Correct article usage
the 35
show examples
 to 44
age
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Use synonyms
group
Punctuation problem
group,
show examples
 where
Correct article usage
the females
show examples
females
Fix the agreement mistake
female
show examples
 fraction proportion reached 52 per
cents
Fix the agreement mistake
cent
show examples
 compared with only 39 for
mens
Correct your spelling
men
.
Conversely
Linking Words
, there was less
difference
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 between genders in the 55 to 64
group
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with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 males at 45
percentage
Check wording
per cent
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 level and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 only 8 per
cent
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highter
Correct your spelling
higher
.
Finally
Linking Words
,
65
Correct article usage
the 65
show examples
 and older
group
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 showed almost
equal
Correct article usage
an equal
show examples
 level of physical activity with both genders at approximately 47 per
cent
Use synonyms
.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words difference, age, group, cent with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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