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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today many children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is this? Is it a positive or negative development?

In the world today,a majority of minors spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 playing
computer
Use synonyms
 games.
This
Linking Words
 has made them
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
exercise a little. Being confined at home is one of the reasons for
children
Use synonyms
 to play online. I think
this
Linking Words
 is a negative
development
Use synonyms
 because it leads to certain diseases.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, most parents spend most of their
time
Use synonyms
 working. They rarely have
time
Use synonyms
 for their
children
Use synonyms
. Online games have become a place for leisure. Minors play with their friends from all over the world.
In addition
Linking Words
, some parents can not take their
children
Use synonyms
 to sports because they have no one to monitor them. A recent study showed that adults prefer the internet to
baby sit
Use the right word
babysit
show examples
 their kids.
This
Linking Words
 is because they are always tired from work and they can not take them for exercise. Spending
time
Use synonyms
 playing on the
computer
Use synonyms
 is a negative
development
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 because it causes health issues
such
Linking Words
 as eye problems and obesity. Certain researchers found that in the past 10 years, there
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 been a constant increase in the number of juveniles wearing
eye glasses
Use the right word
eyeglasses
show examples
.
Such
Linking Words
 issues are
affiliated
Verb problem
associated
show examples
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 spending too much
time
Use synonyms
 on the screen. Another problem is that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the lack of exercise leads to obesity. When playing on the internet, most
children
Use synonyms
 consume unhealthy snacks.
While
Linking Words
 doing
this
Linking Words
, they do not do sports. When
such
Linking Words
 eating habits continue,
this
Linking Words
 may cause obesity.
Hence
Linking Words
,
computer
Use synonyms
 gaming is a negative
development
Use synonyms
 as it affects
children
Use synonyms
's health in the long run.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it is a negative
development
Use synonyms
 that minors spend a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 playing
computer
Use synonyms
 games and not sports. One of the reasons is that parents have busy schedules.

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task response
Task response: The essay states a clear view that fast game use is bad and adds some reasons. To be stronger, give more direct points and clear proof. Make sure you answer all parts of the task and add one or two clear examples.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Use a clear order: intro, body, conclusion. Use linking words to show how ideas fit. Keep ideas in separate lines or sentences so they flow better. Check that each sentence links to the one before.
task response
The essay shows a clear view that the issue is a bad thing.
coherence
It has an intro, body and conclusion.
coherence
It uses some link words to join ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • allure
  • captivate
  • supervise
  • accessible
  • scarcity
  • safer alternative
  • peer pressure
  • educational tools
  • cognitive skills
  • implications
  • obesity
  • poor posture
  • hand-eye coordination
  • problem-solving abilities
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