IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Causes of raising unemployment in some regions or villages and their pottential effect of them in society

Unemployment
Use synonyms
 remains a serious issue in both cities and towns.
While
Linking Words
 some urban centres continue to develop, rural and less developed
areas
Use synonyms
 are still
struggle
Wrong verb form
struggling
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 to create job opportunities.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
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 of raising
unemployment
Use synonyms
 in
such
Linking Words
 regions and their potential effects on
society
Use synonyms
. One of the potential reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
unemployment
Use synonyms
 in rural
areas
Use synonyms
 is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of industrial economic activities. Many villages rely on agricultural
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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, which has become mechanised.
As a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
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 there are fewer job opportunities for local residents
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
Linking Words
 is usually seasonal
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can be hard to work in cold seasons.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, urban migration can be another major potential cause of
unemployment
Use synonyms
. Many young people leave rural
areas
Use synonyms
 in order to find
jobs
Check wording
apply
show examples
sufficient jobs
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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this
Linking Words
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to more workers in cities and
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
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 young and
health
Replace the word
healthy
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 workers in rural
areas
Use synonyms
. Another important factor is limited access to quality
education
Use synonyms
 and vocational training. Many residents don’t have
skills
Correct article usage
the skills
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 that are required for modern industries
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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difficult
Correct pronoun usage
it difficult
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 to find appropriate employees. Poor roads and without internet connection
companies
Verb problem
mean companies
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 can’t invest
on
Change preposition
in
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 these
areas
Use synonyms
. The effects of raising
unemployment
Use synonyms
can
Verb problem
apply
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in
society
Use synonyms
 can be severe.
Firstly
Linking Words
, increased poverty and income inequality are the
mostly effected
Use the right word
most affected
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. Families lose their financial stability and become
depend
Replace the word
dependent
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 on
society
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
result
Correct subject-verb agreement
results
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 in poorer living conditions and limited access to healthcare and
education
Use synonyms
.
Secondly
Linking Words
, prolonged
unemployment
Use synonyms
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
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 to social problems including crime, declining mental well-being and
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to losing motivation and trust in social institutions.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, without
Correct article usage
a workers
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workers
Fix the agreement mistake
worker
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 population in
villages
Add a comma
villages,
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 the
youngs
Use the right word
young
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 migrate to cities and leaving behind
ageing
Correct article usage
an ageing
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 population.
To conclude
Linking Words
, lack of industrial and economic diversification, limited access to quality
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 can be reasons
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
unemployment
Use synonyms
. Its consequences affect not only individuals but
society
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, governments should invest in
education
Use synonyms
 and modern technologies and industries to promote employment.

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task response
Plan with a clear map. Make one main idea per paragraph. Check that each idea shows why it is true and how it can affect people.
coherence cohesion
Use more link words to tie ideas. Put the plan in the order: intro, two or three body ideas, then a short conclusion.
examples
Give more exact examples or facts. Short, real numbers or cases help a lot.
grammar
Rewrite some long and hard sentences. Use clean, short n simple words.
content
The essay has a clear topic on job loss in rural areas.
structure
There is an intro and a finish that show the idea.
content
It keeps the theme of the region and how work loss may hit people.
coherence
The text shows a line of reason and effect.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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