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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Employes sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests,and whether they are married or single.Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful,others disagree. Discuss both the views and your opinion also.

While
Linking Words
 applying for a
job
Use synonyms
,
employer
Correct article usage
an employer
show examples
 sometimes requests
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
personal
information
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as hobbies, interests, and marital status. For the application, a few people believe these questions are relevant
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 others have a different opinion.
Firstly
Linking Words
, let us focus on the merits of sharing these details. Basis the
information
Use synonyms
 provided,
employer
Correct article usage
the employer
show examples
 can assess if an applicant is a good fit for the team or not. Nowadays,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recruitment is not only
on
Verb problem
based on
show examples
 the basis of technical
skillset
Use synonyms
, but it is
about
Rephrase
also about
show examples
overall
Linking Words
 personality.
This
Linking Words
 is to provide maximum
job
Use synonyms
 satisfaction and reduce attrition rate.
For example
Linking Words
, a manager might not hire a new mom if the
job
Use synonyms
 requires the employee to work long hours with limited or no breaks. The reason is
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
 applicant's personal life will not align with professional needs. On
contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
show examples
, sharing
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 can lead to discrimination on the basis of gender, culture, and marital status. The recruiter might form an opinion about the candidate without evaluating their
skillset
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in foreign
countries
Punctuation problem
countries,
show examples
 a number of times,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people of colour have reported discrimination because of their skin tone.
Similarly
Linking Words
, lots of women have accepted
they
Correct word choice
that they
show examples
 don't get equal opportunities and pay because of their gender. In my opinion, personal
information
Use synonyms
 should not be shared with the company. A better workaround will be to specify the nature of work and any preferences in the
job
Use synonyms
deacription
Correct your spelling
description
, so that only eligible candidates apply.
Also
Linking Words
,
Human
Correct article usage
the Human
show examples
 Resource Department should take strict
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
show examples
 against those who try to collect
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, the conclusion would be to keep personal details separate from professional
skillset
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 if
some
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 special
skillset
Use synonyms
 is required for a
job
Use synonyms
, it should be clearly mentioned in the
job
Use synonyms
 description.

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clarity
Make your start clear. State your view and say you will discuss both sides.
examples
Give one or two clear examples that back your point.
coherence
Link ideas with simple words and clear links.
accuracy
Check small grammar errors and spellings to help readers see your meaning.
task
Your essay shows you discuss both sides and give your view.
coherence
You use linking words like Firstly and Finally.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural fit
  • work-life balance
  • bias
  • discrimination
  • stress management
  • privacy invasion
  • legally problematic
  • professional skills
  • stereotypical assumptions
  • hiring decisions
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