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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below gives information about the population of New Zealand between 2011 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and making comparisons where relevant.

The table shows changes in the categorised population of New Zealand by
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 between 2011 and 2012.
Overall
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of relatively young
people
Use synonyms
 who
under
Verb problem
are under
show examples
 39
years
Use synonyms
 old diminished over the period,
while
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who
over
Verb problem
are over
show examples
 40
years
Use synonyms
 old grew
up through
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the period. Turning to the details, in 2011, New Zealand had a population of 4.4M, of which 801,750 were under 15
years
Use synonyms
 old. The
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 between 15 and 39
years
Use synonyms
 old was 1,520,000
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 between 40 and 64
years
Use synonyms
 old was 1.4M.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 over 65
years
Use synonyms
 old
people
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 500,000. In 2012, the population in New Zealand increased 0.6% with 4.46M
Linking Words
whereas
Punctuation problem
, whereas
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the
popualtion
Correct your spelling
population
 of under 15 and 15-39 decreased 0.2% with 800,000 and 1.5M
respevtively
Correct your spelling
respectively
. Meanwhile, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 between 40-64
years
Use synonyms
 old rose 0.6% with 1.46M
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
over
Correct word order
people over
show examples
 65
years
Use synonyms
 old
Use synonyms
people
Correct word order
apply
show examples
went up to 900,000 from 500,000
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was 4% growth rate
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to 2011.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, people, years, m with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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