IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The government investments in art, music and theatre is waste of money. Govt should invest these funds in public services instead. To what extent do you agree ?

4.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It is still argued whether
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should invest in
art
Use synonyms
,
music
Use synonyms
 and
theatre
Use synonyms
due
Linking Words
to
Change preposition
as
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 prefer
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
fund
Fix the agreement mistake
funds
show examples
should
Verb problem
apply
show examples
be invested in public
services
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of investing in arts,
music
Use synonyms
, and
theatre
Use synonyms
. I personally think the investment
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
art
Use synonyms
,
music
Use synonyms
 and
theatre
Use synonyms
 is not a waste of money if the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 already
invest
Correct subject-verb agreement
invests
show examples
 in public
services
Use synonyms
Check wording
apply
show examples
area
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
due to
Linking Words
 public
services
Use synonyms
 can be enjoyed by many
people
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 investing in
art
Use synonyms
,
music
Use synonyms
 and
theatre
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not visible.
Body paragraph 1
The
government
Use synonyms
 should focus
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 citizens'
well being
Use the right word
well-being
show examples
 by providing
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good public
services
Use synonyms
. If the public
services
Use synonyms
 in the
government
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not decent, the ruled
area
Use synonyms
 most likely cannot run well. In an instance, funding
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 public
services
Use synonyms
 is a primary investment rather than investing
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
art
Use synonyms
,
music
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
theatre
Punctuation problem
theatre,
show examples
 where only a few
people
Use synonyms
 can enjoy. The
government
Use synonyms
 should be focusing on the public well-being
instead
Linking Words
 of funding for
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 enjoyment.
Body paragraph 2
One can see whether the
area
Use synonyms
 is developed or not from their public
services
Use synonyms
'
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
. If having
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old and unreliable public
services
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 we can say that
Use synonyms
area
Correct article usage
the area
show examples
 is not developed. Having
undeveloped
Correct article usage
an undeveloped
show examples
area
Use synonyms
 will likely attract
less tourist
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer tourists
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it will lead to the economy of
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
'
area
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
, another reason why
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should focus
to invest
Change preposition
on investing
show examples
 in public
services
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of
art
Use synonyms
,
music
Use synonyms
 and
theatre
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should focus
to invest
Change preposition
on investing
show examples
 more
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
services
Use synonyms
 rather
to invest
Change preposition
than investing
show examples
 in
art
Use synonyms
,
music
Use synonyms
 and
theatre
Use synonyms
 because
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
government
Check wording
government's
show examples
 job is to maintain
their citizen well
Check wording
its citizens'
show examples
being
Use the right word
well-being
show examples
 and should
be focusing
Wrong verb form
focus
show examples
 on
greater
Correct article usage
a greater
show examples
 community compared
to
Change preposition
than
show examples
smaller
Correct article usage
a smaller
show examples
 number of
people
Use synonyms
. Of course, investing
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
art
Use synonyms
,
music
Use synonyms
 and
theatre
Use synonyms
 is not a waste of money if the
government
Use synonyms
 already invest
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public
services
Use synonyms
already
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Your answer shows a view and some talking points, but you need a clear plan. Start with a sentence that states your view. Then give two or three reasons with simple examples.
Task response
Use more simple words and short lines. Each paragraph should have one main idea and one to two examples.
Coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas well. Use words like 'also', 'but', 'then', 'because' to show why things happen. Make sure one idea leads to the next.
Coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion should restate the view and sum up the main reason. Do not repeat too much.
General
Check grammar and punctuation to help the reader. Short sentences help readers understand.
Task response
Clear view on the topic is stated.
Coherence and cohesion
Paragraphs show a basic plan and some linking.
Coherence and cohesion
Some use of linking words to join ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: