IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows attendence of people in different ages in music events in Australia in 2006. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart above shows the attendance of
people
Use synonyms
 in different generations
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
music
Use synonyms
 events in Australia in 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
, popular
music
Use synonyms
 had the highest percentage at the youngest
ages
Use synonyms
, but got the smallest at the oldest. Opera used to have the middle percentage among the three categories, and got the highest in
ages
Use synonyms
 from 45 to 55+. Another interesting point is that the popular bar
music
Use synonyms
 is the most popular
in
Change preposition
among
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
ages
Replace the word
aged
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
15 and 24, but it’s the least popular among
people
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who are 55+.
Also
Linking Words
, classical
music
Use synonyms
almost
Verb problem
has almost
show examples
 always had the smallest percentage of popularity. Classical
music
Use synonyms
 accounted for 11% among
people
Use synonyms
 from 15 to 24 years old. After that, it fell to 8% in the category “Age 25-34”,
then
Linking Words
 it increased to 11% in the generation between 35 and 44. In
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 group from 45 to 54, it dropped to 1%, and went down to 8% among
people
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who were more than 55 years old. The sector “Opera” is regarded
for
Change preposition
as
show examples
 13% among the youngest generations, but grew
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to 14% in the
ages
Use synonyms
 between 25 and 34.
Then
Linking Words
 it shot up to 25% in the middle generation, but declined to 10% among
people
Use synonyms
 aged 45 to 54, and didn’t have any changes in the oldest age. Popular
music
Use synonyms
 accounted for the highest coefficient among the youngest
people
Use synonyms
 and occupied 38%, but has declined to 27% in the
ages
Use synonyms
 between 25 and 34 years old.
Then
Linking Words
 it increased to 33% in the category “Age 35-44”, but
then
Linking Words
 fell again to 13% between the
ages
Use synonyms
 of 45 to 54. In the oldest generation, it went down to 5%.

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Contractions: Don't use contractions.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 78%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, music, ages with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "declined" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "fell" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "went down" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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