Nowadays many families have both parents working. Some working parents believe other family members like grand parents can take care of their children, while others think childcare centres provide the best care. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

In our
modernization
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modernisation
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era, many
parents
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have full-time jobs, so they need secondhand
care
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, which is widely debated. Some argue that
grandparents
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are the best caregivers,
while
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others believe that
children
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should be sent to nurseries if their
parents
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are busy.
While
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I understand why some people support the former view, I am still in
favor
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favour
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of the latter. On one hand, many people assert that
grandparents
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are reliable compared to kindergartens. They argue that family love is warm, sacred, and incomparable, resulting in a friendlier character in
children
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compared to
with
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apply
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strangers.
This
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is because
children
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know them
for good
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well
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and always communicate with them. Thereby, they not only face ease, but
also
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they
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apply
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often accept them as their
parents
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.
Furthermore
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, family members like
grandparents
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, being experienced and deeply understanding
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children's
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of children's
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psychology, are able to impart valuable lessons to kids. To expand
this
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further
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,
children
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’s character is really known by
grandparents
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, including
favored
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favourite
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toys, sleeping time, and most special is insights about their
parents
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.
Consequently
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, grandparenting
care
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generates a free and comfortable environment.
On the other hand
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, it is widely believed that nursing
care
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is more convenient for both
parents
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and kids. First and foremost,
children
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learn to be independent in the circle of newcomers. By the way, it provides an opportunity to learn how to behave in a community from an early age.
For example
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,
according to
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world statistics, in Korea, 70% of the young generation increased their problem-solving and communication skills in childcare
centers
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centres
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.
Secondly
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, in childcare
centers
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centres
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, there are professionals to feed and
care
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for
children
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and psychologists, so they play a crucial role in
children
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's development on both sides. In conclusion, there are valid arguments on both sides. I strongly support the latter viewpoint because of the caring system by professionals and learning
Verb problem
to communication
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communication
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communicate
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with people.

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task response
For task response, you answer both views and give your opinion, so this is good. But some ideas are not fully clear. Try to explain each main idea in a more direct way.
task response
For task response, some examples are too general or not fully real. Use one simple and clear example to support your point.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear 4-part shape: intro, 2 body parts, and conclusion. This helps the reader follow your writing.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some linking words are not natural, such as 'By the way' and 'Thereby'. Use simple links like 'also', 'for example', 'as a result', and 'in addition'.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some sentences are hard to follow because the meaning is not clear. Keep one main idea in each sentence and make the order easier.
task response
You discuss both sides and clearly show your opinion in the intro and the end.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main side of the topic, so the essay is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion matches your opinion and ends the essay in a clear way.
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