IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20 % in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects.

The fact is beyond doubt that
proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 of obesity in the
westside
Check wording
western part
show examples
 of the world has
upward trend
Replace the word
increased
 by aproximately 20% over the course of a decade .
Significant
Correct article usage
A significant
show examples
 reason for
this
Linking Words
 issue is
,
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 overwhelming use of electronic devices with screen
along with
Linking Words
immence
Replace the word
immense
 intake of processed food. Below we
shell
Use the right word
shall
show examples
 discuss
this
Linking Words
 in detail. The trend of excessive use of
tablates
Correct your spelling
tablets
 and
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
 among youngsters has surged
drasticaly
Correct your spelling
drastically
 in recent years ,
due to
Linking Words
 which they are not
engageing themselfes
Correct your spelling
engaging themselves
 in
physicle
Correct your spelling
physical
 activities , which leads to lathargic lifestyle
ultimately
Punctuation problem
, ultimately
show examples
 making them overweight.
This
Linking Words
phinomina
Correct your spelling
phenomenon
also
Linking Words
illustrate
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrates
show examples
 the
failer
Correct your spelling
failure
 of parents in terms
making
Change preposition
of making
show examples
 their children aware of
physicle wellbeing
Correct your spelling
physical well-being
.
For example
Linking Words
 , a
survay
Correct your spelling
survey
 done by
pupiles
Correct your spelling
pupils
 of Harvered university reveled that, in the pursuit of making more money
guardians
Punctuation problem
, guardians
show examples
 are not allocating enough time for their wards , and giving them too much exposure to
screen
Check wording
screens
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, another leading reason is eating way too much fast food. It is often
sean
Correct your spelling
seen
 that , in the west juviniles eat more
unhealty
Correct word choice
unhealthy
show examples
 calories in the form of pizza, burgars and many other processed
food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
show examples
 than any other continent in the world.
Therefore
Linking Words
 intacking more calories
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
show examples
 burning makes them vulnerable to obesity. At
last
Linking Words
 ,if we do not halt
this
Linking Words
 trend , soon west will not only
strugle
Correct your spelling
struggle
 to find
harworking
Correct your spelling
hardworking
 youth, but will
also
Linking Words
makes
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 healthcare more
expencive
Correct your spelling
expensive
. If that
happens
Punctuation problem
happens,
show examples
 it will shake their
ecomony
Correct your spelling
economy
 to its core.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
show examples
 it is resposibility of parents
along with
Linking Words
 the government to encourage their youth to play sports, and to be
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more fully: causes and effects need equal detail.
task response
Give one more clear effect on children, not only on society.
task response
Use examples that are clear and easy to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph have one main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like because, so, also, and however.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence follows the last one in a clear order.
task response
You answered the topic and wrote about both causes and effects.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You used some cause and effect ideas well, like screen time and fast food.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: