IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

It is universally accepted that eating too much sugar has negative effects on people’s health. Therefore, some believe that governments should control the amount of sugar people consume. Others think that it is the responsibility of an individual to control their sugar intake. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

It is right, eating too much sugar will be bad
on
Change preposition
for
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 the person's
health
Punctuation problem
health,
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 it will cost damages on the human body, but
making
Wrong verb form
should
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 the government control it? It seems quite impossible, it's just like a father who's controlling his 6 children
Linking Words
for
Punctuation problem
, for
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 instance, some kids have health issues
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 they need sugar sometimes
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 some don't, so I think everybody is responsible for their health and how much sugar they have to take.

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task response
Write about both sides. Here, you mostly wrote about personal duty, but you did not explain the government side enough.
task response
Give a clear opinion at the end in one short line. Your view is there, but it can be more direct.
task response
Add one or two simple examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear plan: first side, second side, then your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with easy words like first, however, for example, and in my view.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea its own sentence. This will help your writing read more clearly.
task response
You gave a clear main opinion: people should control their own sugar intake.
task response
Your idea stays on the topic of sugar and health.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has some basic linking of ideas, such as using but and so.
coherence and cohesion
Your writing has a simple ending idea.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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