IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In most countries, the crime rate is often higher in urban areas than in rural areas. Why you do you think that is? What can be done to reduce the crime rate?

Crime
Use synonyms
 rate is mostly higher in big cities
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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 in rural
Use synonyms
areas
Punctuation problem
areas,
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crime
Use synonyms
 does not happen that often. There are many factors that influence the
crime
Use synonyms
 rates
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as the
environment
Use synonyms
, average salary, and daily routine of
people
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. I strongly believe that
people
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 commit crimes not because they are born that way but
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 because of how they were raised and the
environment
Use synonyms
of where
Change preposition
in which
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 they grew up.
For instance
Linking Words
, Jeffrey Dahmer grew up in an abusive household where physical and emotional violence were
normalized
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normalised
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. And we can see that he is from New York city which is one of the biggest and populated city of the United States. He targeted black men and poisoned their drinks
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 later took their lives. The reason he targeted black men is that
in
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, in
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 my opinion, in the 90's
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people
Punctuation problem
, people
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 were much
racist
Rephrase
more racist
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 than they are now because of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society. And the result of
that is
Linking Words
Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
a crime
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 against black men and women.
However
Linking Words
, we cannot justify their crimes just because they had a hard time growing up
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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 there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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people
Use synonyms
 who
also
Linking Words
 went through the same struggles and turned out great. In
countryside
Correct article usage
the countryside
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, it is less populated than urban
areas
Use synonyms
and
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, and
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 everything is calm and peaceful as there is no high rush of life like in urban
areas
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.
Additionally
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, most
people
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 know each other in rural
areas
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 that helps them to build
connection
Check wording
connections
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 and trust. One way to reduce
Use synonyms
crime
Correct article usage
the crime
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 rate is to educate children from a very early age about ethics and teach them what is wrong and right. Schools should update their educational system to teach young adults about empathy and how being a good person can affect their lives, not just teach them about mathematics, physics or
english
Fix capitalization
English
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. Other ways to reduce
crime
Use synonyms
 rates would be
educate
Verb problem
to educate
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 the parents
also
Linking Words
. Even if kids are behaving correctly at school, there could be
different
Correct article usage
a different
show examples
environment
Use synonyms
 waiting for them at home. So, it is crucial that parents
also
Linking Words
should
Verb problem
apply
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influence their children with their behaviour. In conclusion, there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 many reasons that
influences
Correct subject-verb agreement
influence
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people
Use synonyms
 to commit crimes
but
Correct word choice
apply
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,
the
Correct word choice
but the
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 main reason would be their relationship with their parents and the
environment
Use synonyms
 they grew up
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
 I believe
crime
Use synonyms
 rates would reduce if adults took care of their children properly.

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task response
Answer both parts more clearly. Say why city crime is higher, and then give clear ways to cut it.
task response
Use ideas that fit the question more directly. Your point about family is useful, but add more about city life, money, jobs, and weak safety.
task response
Give safer and more general examples. The long story about one killer is too special and does not help your main answer much.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part have one main idea. This will help the essay feel more clear and easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some parts jump fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
Support each main point with a short clear reason or example. Some ideas are true but not fully built.
coherence and cohesion
You wrote an introduction and a conclusion, so the essay has a full shape.
task response
You tried to answer both questions, not only one part.
task response
Your ideas about family, school, and the home are clear and easy to understand.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • population density
  • economic disparities
  • unemployment
  • anonymity
  • law enforcement
  • economic desperation
  • vocational training
  • community programs
  • drug prevention
  • conflict resolution
  • community policing
  • surveillance cameras
  • predictive policing
  • social cohesion
  • recreational programs
  • support groups
What to do next:
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