IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Establishing good relationships in the workplace is not important, as the primary goal of every person is to focus on work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is often argued that establishing good
relationships
Use synonyms
 in the
workplace
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 is not
worthy
Correct word choice
worthwhile
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, as the primary goal of every person is to focus on
work
Use synonyms
. From my perspective, it seems convincing that focusing on
interection
Correct your spelling
interaction
 in the
workplace
Use synonyms
 is important.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, I accept that maintaining good relations with all
co-workers
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 is often hard and even counter-productive.
Firstly
Linking Words
, frequent
interection
Correct your spelling
interaction
 can lower morale. Ignoring the importance of outstanding
work
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 performance can result in slow promotion and decreased job satisfaction.
In other words
Linking Words
,
employees
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 in a
workplace
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 where
relationships
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 are overvalued might feel undervalued, leading to increased turnover rates. In Korea, building a close relationship with managers is significant since it affects performance review and career progression, so many people have no choice but to have unnecessary coffee breaks in the office and get together
arter
Correct your spelling
after
work
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.
Also
Linking Words
, maintaining good relations with all
co-workers
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 is often hard, and they can put their noses into
other’s
Check wording
others’
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 personal matters and give unwanted advice, wasting time in the
workplace
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.
However
Linking Words
, when
employees
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 focus on their specific roles and responsibilities, they can perform more effectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I am convinced that people should keep
friendly
Correct article usage
a friendly
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 relationship with their
co-workers
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. First of all, when the
work
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 environment is efficient and friendly, conflicts and
confusions
Check wording
confusion
show examples
 in the
workplace
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 decrease significantly.
Less
Correct determiner usage
Fewer
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 conflicts help
employees
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 concentrate better on their tasks at hand, and it results in higher productivity. In the healthcare industry, where accurate communication is crucial, strong
relationships
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 among staff can lead to better patient care and fewer medical errors. If they do not communicate often, some patients will be in fatal conditions
on
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 suffer from unexpected side effects.
Moreover
Linking Words
, dismissing the importance of good
workplace
Use synonyms
relationships
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 can lead to poor collaboration among
employees
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. To be specific, a lack of cooperation may hinder the exchange of ideas and reduce opportunities for innovation. In conclusion, it is
idea
Replace the word
ideal
 to establish good
relationships
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 with
co-workers
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 in the
workplace
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 for a pleasant working atmosphere and outstanding
work
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 performance.
Hence
Linking Words
, people need to find a healthy balance between being productive at
work
Use synonyms
 and forming social bonds.

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task response
For task response, make your main view more direct in the first part. Say clearly that you partly disagree or mostly disagree, and keep this the same all through the essay.
task response
For task response, explain some ideas more fully. A few points are good, but some need one more clear reason or result to feel complete.
task response
For task response, check word choice very carefully. Some wrong words make your meaning less clear, such as 'not worthy' and 'idea'.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear 4-part shape, which is good. To make it better, link the first body part to your main view more smoothly, because it now sounds a bit strong against your final view.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some sentences are too long and heavy. Use shorter sentences in a few places so each point is easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, keep your linking words simple and clear. You use good ones like 'To begin with', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion', but sometimes the ideas inside the paragraph can flow more naturally.
task response
For task response, you answer the question all the way through and give your own view.
task response
For task response, you use real and clear examples, like Korea and the healthcare field.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, most paragraphs stay on one main idea, so the reader can follow your plan.
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