IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

some people think that modern games can help children develop wide range of skill . but other think that traditional game can be much better for developing such skills. What is your opinion?

In the digital society, modern
games
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 are very useful every day
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 some people believe
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
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 could help to the new generations to develop skills
Linking Words
in
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, in
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 contrast other think that
convencional
Correct your spelling
conventional
games
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 can improve
in better ways several skills
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several skills in better ways
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.
This
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a
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is a
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very important point
so
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, so
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 I will elaborate
a
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on a
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short discussion about
this
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 key issue
what
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, which
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 is more convenient
from
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in
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 my opinion.  In fact, several studies researched
about
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apply
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how
the
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apply
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modern
games
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affects
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affect
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 the mental health of
the
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apply
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children
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.
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This
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These
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this
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 studies gave
a
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apply
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strong evidence
respect to
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regarding
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 how
the
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apply
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children
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's
brain
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brains
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 change with the computers
games
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. They
analyzed
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analysed
show examples
 200 kids between 6 and 12 years old
during
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over the course of
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 one year. They discovered that brains became
addict
Replace the word
addicted
 to screens and
games
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, especially when
children
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 didn't have family supervision. The study suggested
that
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is very dangerous
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apply
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the consumption of modern
games
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from
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by
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children
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during
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for
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 many hours
because
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is very dangerous because
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 their brains are deeply affected.
On the other hand
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, some educations professional say
the
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apply
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modern
games
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 could be used with
education
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educational
 goals and correct supervision. In
this
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 sense, a group of researchers from
University
Correct article usage
the University
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 of Chicago
analyzed
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analysed
show examples
 20 schools that apply the modern
games
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 in their classrooms. The results
shows
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show
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that the computers
games
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 are very important for getting attention from the
children
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. In my opinion, the traditional
games
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 are important because
to
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 promote the connections between
children
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 and adults, playing face to face and listening
their
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to their
show examples
 voices and seeing their eyes, so the contact
of
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is of
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quality
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a quality
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in contrast
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 to a screen.

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task response
Answer the question more clearly. Say early if you choose modern games or traditional games, and keep this view all through the essay.
task response
Give more clear main ideas. Each body part should have one main point and then explain it well.
task response
Use examples that directly support your opinion. Some study details are good, but link them more clearly to your answer.
coherence and cohesion
Write a clearer introduction with the topic and your opinion in simple direct words.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way, like first, also, however, and in my view.
coherence and cohesion
Make your sentences easier to follow. Some parts are too long or not fully clear.
task response
You discuss both modern games and traditional games, so you address the topic.
task response
You give some examples from studies and school use, which helps support ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
There is a basic order of ideas, and the reader can follow the main direction.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • develop skills
  • problem-solving
  • quick thinking
  • hand-eye coordination
  • follow rules
  • teamwork
  • communication
  • face-to-face interaction
  • social skills
  • take turns
  • share with others
  • lead a team
  • deal with losing
  • physical health
  • body control
  • active lifestyle
  • screen time
  • balanced view
  • overall development
  • in real life
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