IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Many young people spend a lot of their time playing computer games, even though it can lead to unhealthy habits. What are the advantages and disadvantages of video games.

Some young
people
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 spend a lot of
time
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 their
time
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 playing
video
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games
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,
although
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 it can lead to bad habits.
This
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 essay will discuss both positive aspects and negative aspects of playing
video
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games
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. There are many advantages of playing computer
games
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. First of all, playing
video
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game
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 help
people
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 to reduce
stressed
Replace the word
stress
 after
busy
Correct article usage
a busy
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 day. When
people
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 play
video
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Use synonyms
game
Check wording
games
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, they can reduce their stress and
be
Verb problem
apply
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relax because many
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game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
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 contain funny content to gamer
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 they can laugh or suprise from these content.
Secondly
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,
people
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 can earn money from
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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video
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games
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 because they can upload their recording to social media about these
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game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 and it will
atract
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attract
people
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 to watch it
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 they can earn money from the views.
However
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, there are several disadvantages of playing
video
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games
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.
To begin
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 with, playing
video
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games
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 can be bad for health.
There
Correct pronoun usage
It
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 is mainly caused by
people
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 sit many hours to play
video
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game
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 and it will lead to some disease
such
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 as
headache
Fix the agreement mistake
headaches
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, mental problem or heart attack from not doing any physical activity.
Moreove
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Moreover
, it
waste
Correct subject-verb agreement
wastes
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 a lot of
time
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.
People
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 spend 5 to 10 hour to play
game
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so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 they cannot do any activity or go to work
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 they waste their
time
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to
Change preposition
on
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 useless
thing
Check wording
things
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. In conclusion, playing
video
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games
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 has several advantages of reducing stress and earning money, but it
also
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 has some disadvantages of being unhealthy and wasting
time
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.
However
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, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

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task response
Answer all parts in a clear way. You talk about good and bad sides, but your ideas need more detail.
task response
Give one or two clear examples for each main point. This will make your answer stronger.
task response
Explain ideas more fully. For example, say how games help with stress, and why too much play hurts health.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some parts feel hard to follow because of grammar mistakes.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one main side and support each point step by step.
task response
You answer both sides of the question.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is in a clear paragraph form.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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