IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that it is better for older schoolchildren to study a large number of subjects and develop a range of knowledge. Others argue that they should study a smaller number of subjects and focus on details. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Nowadays, many individuals believe that children should learn a broad range of
subjects
Use synonyms
 to
accquire
Correct your spelling
acquire
 a more diverse knowledge base.
Whereas
Linking Words
 others argue that concentrating on a fixed
Use synonyms
subjects
Fix the agreement mistake
subject
show examples
 in depth. Both
approches
Correct your spelling
approaches
 have their right,
however
Linking Words
, I lean
forward to
Change preposition
towards
show examples
 the latter idea. On the one hand,
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
 a wide range of
subjects
Use synonyms
 allows
students
Use synonyms
 to adapt and be more
varsetile
Correct your spelling
versatile
 to the rapid change in the job
market
Use synonyms
. When
students
Use synonyms
 are exposed to multiple fields, they will be able to apply their insights and knowledge to solve problems.
For instance
Linking Words
, opening a coffee shop these days becomes challenging,
require
Wrong verb form
requiring
show examples
 the owner to understand the
market
Use synonyms
tendancy
Correct your spelling
tendency
, promote products, and manage human resources. These
recquirements
Correct your spelling
requirements
 can not be gained from a particular field
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 the owners are expected to have a broad knowledge in various fields.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there are some advantages to focusing on a small variety of
subjects
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
studiying selecteddd
Correct your spelling
studying selected
subjects
Use synonyms
 encourages
students
Use synonyms
 to study with their interests and recognise their potential.
In other words
Linking Words
,
students
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 who are into science-related backgrounds can intensively examine the problems related to that field.
This
Linking Words
 approach will train the promising generations to develop society and the job
market
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, allowing
students
Use synonyms
 to study a small number of
subjects
Use synonyms
 helps them to have more time for outdoor
activies
Correct your spelling
activities
.
For example
Linking Words
, schools and education initiatives can operate outdoor activities to help
students
Use synonyms
 relieve stress and improve their physical health. In conclusion, studying a
broad
Correct word choice
wide
show examples
 variety of programmes may help
students
Use synonyms
 for their future path
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, focusing on a small number of
subjects
Use synonyms
 would be far more create a better generation. I believe that the change in teaching methods not only benefits the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
market
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 society as a whole.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your opinion more clear in all parts of the essay, not only in the introduction and the end.
task response
Discuss both sides in a more even way. The second side is stronger than the first side.
task response
Add more clear support for each main idea. Explain how and why each point is true.
task response
Use examples that are more direct and easy to link to school subjects.
coherence and cohesion
Make some topic sentences more clear so the reader can follow your main point fast.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas inside sentences more carefully. Some parts are hard to follow because of grammar and word form mistakes.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like First, Also, For example, However, As a result.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The outdoor activity idea does not fit your main point very well.
task response
You answer both views and you give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is mostly easy to follow.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: