IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

In many countries, more and more men are staying at home to look after their children when women work full-time. What are the reasons? Is it a positive or negative development?

Everything in
this
Linking Words
 world has its merits and demerits. A significant example is
fathers
Use synonyms
 staying at home to look after their
kids
Use synonyms
 when
mothers
Use synonyms
 go to work full-time. Many people argue that it is advantageous,
while
Linking Words
 other people
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that it is disadvantageous. In my point of
view
Add a comma
view,
show examples
 it is a mixture
between
Change preposition
of
show examples
 both. On one hand, men sitting in their
hose
Check wording
homes
show examples
 looking after children has
alot
Correct your spelling
a lot
 of pros. There is alot of mens of-jobs, looking after
kids
Use synonyms
 might make them spend their free time at a
usefull
Correct your spelling
useful
 thing
wich
Correct your spelling
which
 would help their
wifes
Correct your spelling
wives
.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 a study conducted in 2022 by researchers at the United Arab Emirates University, over 1 million
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
fathers
Use synonyms
 that losed there jobes had a
greater
Correct word choice
better
show examples
 lifestyle after starting
take
Verb problem
to take
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 of
childrens
Correct determiner usage
their children
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, men sitting in their
hose
Check wording
homes
show examples
 looking after children
has
Correct word order
also has
show examples
also
Linking Words
 many cons. When the father
begin
Correct subject-verb agreement
begins
show examples
 to be the person who takes
care
Use synonyms
 of childrens most
cases
Punctuation problem
cases,
show examples
 theres become a big distance between the mother and her
kids
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, a study from the World
family Organization
Fix capitalization
Family Organisation
show examples
 in 2021 found that more than 50 million kid that had problems with their
mothers
Use synonyms
, their
fathers
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were the ones
show examples
 who
take
Wrong verb form
took
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 of them
while
Linking Words
Use synonyms
mothers
Correct determiner usage
their mothers
show examples
at
Verb problem
were at
show examples
woork
Correct your spelling
work
. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to
this
Linking Words
 question. On balance,
however
Linking Words
, I tend to believe that our responsibility as a community to take
care
Use synonyms
 of
kids
Use synonyms
 and both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
fathers
Use synonyms
 and
mothers
Use synonyms
mast
Use the right word
must
show examples
 be close to their
childrens
Replace the word
children
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer both parts more clearly. You talk about reasons a little, but not enough. Say why this change happens, then say if it is good, bad, or both.
task response
Your main idea is clear, but some parts are too general. Add one or two clear reasons, like job loss, high pay for women, or lower child care cost.
task response
Your examples sound very unsure and may not be true. Use simple real-life examples instead of very big numbers.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. This is good. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is basic and repeated, like 'On one hand' and 'On the other hand'. This is okay, but you can also use 'Another reason', 'Also', and 'As a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word form mistakes. Use shorter sentences with one clear idea each.
task response
You answer the second question and give your view. This helps the reader know your position.
task response
You include points for both sides, so your essay feels balanced.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear paragraphing with an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use simple linking words to guide the reader through your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: