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Writing Samples
Band 5

Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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The
children
Use synonyms
 who have been
bought
Verb problem
brought
show examples
 up under very tough circumstances are often able to overcome the difficulties of being a
grown up
Correct your spelling
grown-up
 a lot better than
children
Use synonyms
 who grew up privileged. In my opinion,
this
Linking Words
 statement can be considered true in most cases
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 there can be some exceptions too.
Children
Use synonyms
 who grew up with a lack of
money
Use synonyms
 or opportunities have had to grow up fighting to get what they want. A lack of
money
Use synonyms
 usually means a lack of facilites and so unlike the richer families who can provide their
kids
Use synonyms
 with the best education or send them to the best colleges for higher education, these
kids
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 often have to study extra hard or train extensively to become highly skilled at a sport to earn a scholarship to get to these universities. That extra training and studying
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 these
kids
Use synonyms
 better equipped to deal with tough competition that they may face later on in
life
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. The
children
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 from poor families are
also
Linking Words
 most likely to have gone through times where they have not gotten what they asked for from their parents or had to live off of less food or other basic amenities, unlike the other
kids
Use synonyms
who
Punctuation problem
, who
show examples
 would have never had
such
Linking Words
 issues. What
this
Linking Words
 does is that if there is ever a time in the poor kid's adult
life
Use synonyms
 in which he loses a lot of
money
Use synonyms
 or assets, he does not panic, as he knows that he has made it through similar situations before. That being said, sometimes the ones who grow up in a
well off
Correct your spelling
well-off
 household are better off than the ones who
grew
Wrong verb form
grow
show examples
 up not having a lot of
money
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. The rich parents may choose to raise their
kids
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 in a manner that teaches them that nothing in
this
Linking Words
life
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 comes easy. They may sometimes say no to certain things and teach their
kids
Use synonyms
 the importance of hard work and earning things. As mentioned previously, having access to
high quality
Correct your spelling
high-quality
 education and facilities has its perks. Your knowledge is probably more vast
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 your skills are likely to be more polished
regardless
Punctuation problem
, regardless
show examples
 of the field you choose to pursue. You are
also
Linking Words
 more likely to have exposure to people in high positions, which may come in extremely handy in the future. In conclusion, the amount of
money
Use synonyms
 your family had growing up does not have to be the deciding factor in how your
life
Use synonyms
 turns out. I
believer
Replace the word
believe
 that your upbringing, the mindset your parents
instill
Change the spelling
instil
show examples
 in you and the choices you make when put in difficult scenarios are more influential in deciding your fate.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear in the first part. Say more directly how far you agree.
task response
Add one or two more clear examples. This will make your ideas stronger and more real.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are good, but a few parts are too long. Break long points into smaller parts.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more careful way. This will make the flow smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same style for examples. For example, do not switch from 'children' to 'he' too fast.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view.
task response
Your ideas are clear and easy to follow in most parts.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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