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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Completing university education is thought by some to be the best way to get a good job. On the other hand, other people think that getting experience and developing soft skills is more important. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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There is a belief that graduating from
university
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 is considered a guarantee of a future career for people.
However
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, another belief is that gaining experiences and soft
skills
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 is much more important than completing a
university
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degree
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. I personally think that
nowadays
Punctuation problem
nowadays,
show examples
 a person's experience and soft
skills
Use synonyms
 have a greater impact on landing a
job
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. On the one hand, getting a
degree
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 from a
university
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 is thought to promise a fine
job
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, and its impacts really showed great results in the late 2010s. During that period, people usually encouraged their children to study at
university
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 for a better future, which promised to give a fine
job
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 in an office.
Conversely
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, there was a widespread concern that children who did not pursue a
degree
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 might end up doing physical jobs
such
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 as factory work or become jobless.
On the other hand
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, graduating from a
university
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 has become less attractive because nowadays more employers focus on employees' experiences and
skills
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,
such
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 as soft and hard, which are far more important than a
degree
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.
Although
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 doing
further
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education
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 may have some effects on landing a
job
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, it doesn't have a great effect unless you have completed a bachelor's, master's, and doctorate. These days
people
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, people
show examples
 are becoming less interested in
further
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education
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as a result
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 of new technologies and AI coming out day after day.
Therefore
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, they mainly focus on learning soft and hard
skills
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 to get a good
job
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 in an office. In conclusion, graduating from
university
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 was traditionally seen as a pathway to a successful career;
however
Linking Words
, there is a growing belief that experience and soft
skills
Use synonyms
 are now more crucial for employment. In the late 2010s, degrees were highly valued, with parents encouraging their children to pursue higher
education
Use synonyms
 for better
job
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 prospects.
In contrast
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, the current
job
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 market places greater emphasis on practical
skills
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 and experiences rather than formal
education
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 credentials.
While
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further
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education
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 can be beneficial, its impact is diminishing as technological advancements shift focus towards acquiring relevant
skills
Use synonyms
 for
job
Use synonyms
 success.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk more about skills, but the university side needs more detail too.
task response
Give clearer reasons for each main point. Some ideas are general and not well explained.
task response
Use one or two real and clear examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, body, and end. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly. A few parts feel repeated or jump too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one main idea and explain it step by step.
task response
You give your opinion clearly in the introduction.
task response
You discuss both views, not only one side.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because it has clear paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
You use simple linking words like On the one hand, On the other hand, and In conclusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • theoretical knowledge
  • specialized training
  • networking
  • baseline requirement
  • financial burden
  • hands-on experience
  • practical skills
  • soft skills
  • dynamic job market
  • entrepreneur
  • formal education
  • portfolio
  • hybrid approach
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