IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many corporations sell food and beverages which contain high sugar and can create many health problems. People suggest that the sugary products should be made more expensive so people can consume less sugar. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is frequently asserted that sugary supplies should be made more expensive so people can consume less sugar,
whereas
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 others argue that sugary products shouldn't be made more expensive.
This
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 essay will examine both schools of thought before arguing that sugary products shouldn't be made more expensive is a more rational perspective. Nation who support
this
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 idea argue that high sugar is well known to be not the best for human well-being, as it is mostly
coupled with
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 certain wellness complications.
In addition
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,
while
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 preventing humans from damaging their health by eating unnecessary food and beverages with high prices,
humans'
Correct determiner usage
the
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 future public health will be better.
Moreover
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, suger effects mental state , causing mood swings and energy crashes as it is followed by extreme tiredness.
On the contrary
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, others believe that society could control whether to purchase it or not
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 they have the ability to choose what to get. Despite the disadvantages, some people have the need to use these goods
,
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;
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for instance
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, athletes use energy drinks to improve their physical performance.
Also
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, individuals have a slight amount that helps in wit stress reduction and dopamine release. In light of the above, I unequivocally advocate for not increasing the prices of high-sugar products, as consumers can manage their usage.
Although
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 certain complications exist, the prospective gains of
this
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 shift surpass any possible negatives. It is advisable that individuals raise their awareness of sugary supplies to secure a more favourable outcome in the years to come.

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task response
Task response: Your view is clear, but your answer does not fully explain why you disagree. Add one more clear reason and explain it well.
task response
Task response: You said you will discuss both sides, and you did this, but some ideas are too general. Give more direct points about price, health, and choice.
task response
Task response: Use a real and clear example. The part about athletes is helpful, but it needs more detail to show why higher price is not always good.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. This is good.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar is weak. Use shorter sentences and link one idea to the next more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Some link words are used well, like 'On the contrary' and 'In light of the above', but a few ideas do not connect smoothly. Make sure each paragraph has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Coherence and cohesion: Support each main point with a short explanation or example. This will make your paragraphs stronger and easier to follow.
task response
You answered the question and gave a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
task response
You looked at both sides of the topic, which is important for this kind of essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic paragraph structure with an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words to move between ideas and paragraphs.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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