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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people argue that it is more important to have an enjoable job than to earn a lot of money. Others disagree and think that a good salary leads to a better life. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that having
enjoyable
Correct article usage
an enjoyable
show examples
 profession is more crucial than earning a lot of money,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that a high income is the key to
happy
Correct article usage
a happy
show examples
 life.
Although
Linking Words
 choosing a career that a person truly loves is significant, I am inclined to believe that a high
salary
Use synonyms
 is more important. Both views are valid and need
further
Linking Words
 explanation for
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 objective outcome.
From
Change preposition
On
show examples
 one hand, some
people
Use synonyms
 firmly believe that they need a
job
Use synonyms
 that they really enjoy,
due to
Linking Words
 the
fact
Use synonyms
 that they cannot imagine their life without that
job
Use synonyms
. In their opinion, their monthly profit isn’t important,
due to
Linking Words
 the
fact
Use synonyms
 that their jobs give
their
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 more vital things,
such
Linking Words
 as feelings (pleasure or feedback they get
form
Use the right word
from
show examples
 their work), far more than the
salary
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, my
science’s
Check wording
science
show examples
 teacher always tells us
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that her
job
Use synonyms
 is highly rewarding and she doesn’t worry about her income. In
another
Correct determiner usage
other
show examples
 words, she
realizes
Change the spelling
realises
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 that she makes a huge difference in her
student’s
Check wording
students’
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 studies, and
this
Linking Words
fact
Use synonyms
 motivates her so much that she
stopes
Correct your spelling
stops
 thinking of her profit.
By contrast
Linking Words
, other’s inclined to believe that the only purpose of working
to
Verb problem
is to
show examples
 earn
living
Correct article usage
a living
show examples
 and make a profit. In their opinion, it does not matter whether one loves their
job
Use synonyms
 or not
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 what truly matters is the amount of their
salary
Use synonyms
. Their point of view can be explained by the
fact
Use synonyms
 that an individual must have sufficient financial resources for basic requirements (
such
Linking Words
 as healthcare) or afford themselves to have meaningful and enriching experiences (
such
Linking Words
 as travelling).
As a result
Linking Words
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
,
people
Use synonyms
 cannot be fulfilled without having enough budget for these kinds of things. In conclusion, many
people
Use synonyms
 think that the
salary
Use synonyms
 is not crucial, because their emotional satisfaction
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the work covers everything, included financial field.
However
Linking Words
, others think that having a highly-paid
job
Use synonyms
 is more important,
due to
Linking Words
 the
fact
Use synonyms
 that money enables them to have invaluable experiences, which truly
makes
Correct subject-verb agreement
make
show examples
 them happy. In my opinion, despite the importance of having an enjoyable profession, earning more money is much more important, because I agree with the
prospective
Replace the word
perspective
 of individuals from the second group.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. Your view is clear, but the first side needs a bit more full support.
task response
Add one more clear example for each main idea. This will make your points stronger and easier to trust.
task response
Explain ideas more simply and directly. Some lines are hard to follow because the meaning is not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Some are not natural, like 'From one hand' and 'As a result of'.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph start with one clear main idea, then add support. This will help the flow.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own opinion, so you answer the full task.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and easy to find.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is split into clear paragraphs, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
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