IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some parents think that childcare centers provide the best services for children of pre- school age. Other working parents think that family members such as grandparents will be better choice for kids. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In modern days, we can easily see working
parents
Use synonyms
 with their kids who still
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 some careful
care
Use synonyms
. For them, there are controversial
argues
Replace the word
arguments
 between taking children to
childcare
Use synonyms
 and their grandparents. Both views have reasonable aspects. On the one hand,
childcare
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 settled as a major medium for breeding since
parents
Use synonyms
 couldn't
care
Use synonyms
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 child
on
Change preposition
during
show examples
 the
daytime
Replace the word
day
 by themselves. Because they have imposed a lot of toddlers with various
trait
Fix the agreement mistake
traits
show examples
, the skills of breeders improved. Better than the
parents
Use synonyms
 who might be
the first time being the specific roles
Correct word order
playing the specific roles for the first time
show examples
, expert carers nurture children fluently.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, breeders can give caring tips to mothers and fathers, which would be helpful for the time after the service ends. In my opinion,
childcare
Use synonyms
 centres would be the best choice for the whole family
members
Check wording
apply
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, calling grandparents
for taking
Wrong verb form
to take
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 of
child
Correct article usage
the child
show examples
 is
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
another major choice for
parents
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, it is not good for both family members because grandparents are a bit old to
care
Use synonyms
those
Change preposition
for those of those
show examples
 ages with a massive
energy
Check wording
amount of energy
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, their physical health could make a little niche, which can
make
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 unexpected problems
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as a kid gets hurt. These probable issues occurs the relatives' mental to get worse. In conclusion,
Use synonyms
childcare
Correct article usage
the childcare
show examples
 system is reliable since it
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a main option for caring
kids
Change preposition
for kids
show examples
. They experienced many circumstances
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and are
also
Linking Words
skillful
Change the spelling
skilful
show examples
. The kids under those skills would be confident, and
parents
Use synonyms
 can study nurturing from the carers. Good for
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
,
childcare
Use synonyms
 centres would
blow
Verb problem
bring
show examples
 good energy to them.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You talk about child care well, but the grandparent side is short and not fully fair.
task response
Give a clearer opinion. You say child care is best, but explain why it is better than family in a more direct way.
task response
Use one clear example for each side. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Put your ideas in a clearer order. Start each body paragraph with one main point, then explain it.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully, like 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'. Some parts now are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check each sentence so the next idea grows from the one before. Some jumps between ideas are too sudden.
task response
You answer both views and give your opinion, so you follow the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to support your ideas with reasons, not only simple claims.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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