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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some parents think that childcare centers provide the best services for children of pre- school age. Other working parents think that family members such as grandparents will be better choice for kids. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In recent years,
Providing
Change the spelling
providing
show examples
 the services for
children
Use synonyms
 of
pre- school
Correct your spelling
preschool
 age in
childcare
Use synonyms
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 has become
increasingly
Correct article usage
an increasingly
show examples
trend
Correct word choice
popular trend
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 others argue that family
members
Use synonyms
 will be a better choice for kids. From my perspective, they both have positive aspects,
people
Correct word choice
and people
show examples
 can find the better choice
from
Change preposition
for
show examples
 themselves. On the
one
Use synonyms
 hand, providing the
childcare
Use synonyms
severice
Correct your spelling
service
 for
children
Use synonyms
 of
pre- school
Correct your spelling
preschool
 age creates significant advantages.
One
Use synonyms
 of the main
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
show examples
 is that
can
Correct pronoun usage
it can
show examples
helps
Wrong verb form
help
show examples
 the child's
parents
Use synonyms
 focus on their careers. Without these
service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
show examples
, some
perants
Correct your spelling
parents
 need to quit their job to take
care
Use synonyms
their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 baby, or
Linking Words
due
Change preposition
apply
show examples
to raise the child,
parents
Use synonyms
 cannot focus on their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, some mothers have to raise their
children
Use synonyms
 on their
Use synonyms
one
Correct word choice
own
show examples
, they give up their work opportunities.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the
childcare
Use synonyms
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 provides professional
take
Check wording
apply
show examples
care
Use synonyms
,
which
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 all the employees have the certificate
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 they have much more experience than
perants
Correct your spelling
parents
 to take
care
Use synonyms
babies
Change preposition
of babies
show examples
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, family
members
Use synonyms
take
Wrong verb form
taking
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 childern
also
Linking Words
 offers several benefits.
One
Use synonyms
 of the most notable
positive
Fix the agreement mistake
positives
show examples
 is that
can
Correct pronoun usage
it can
show examples
saves
Wrong verb form
save
show examples
 money
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 if their child attend to the
childcare
Use synonyms
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
, their parent have to spend more
expenature
Correct your spelling
expenses
, which makes them feel huge
finacial
Correct your spelling
financial
 pressure.
For example
Linking Words
, in Taiwan,
parents
Use synonyms
 spend over 20000 NT. per
mouth
Use the right word
month
show examples
 on
childcare
Use synonyms
 centre.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, family
members
Use synonyms
 will
take
Verb problem
be
show examples
care
Use synonyms
 more patient with
children
Use synonyms
,
childcare
Use synonyms
center's
Change the spelling
centre's
show examples
 employees have to take
care
Use synonyms
many
Change preposition
of many
show examples
 babies at the same time, they cannot follow
everone
Correct your spelling
everyone
 carefully . In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
Use synonyms
children centers
Check wording
child care centres
show examples
 provide professional
and
Check wording
care and
show examples
 allow
parents
Use synonyms
 to focus on their careers, family
members
Use synonyms
 can
roffer
Correct your spelling
offer
 more personal attention and reduce financial pressure. In my opinion, both options have their advantages, and the best choice
depend
Correct subject-verb agreement
depends
show examples
 on each family's situation.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Your view is there, but it can be more clear and strong.
task response
Add one or two more clear ideas for each side. Some ideas are good, but they need more full explanation.
task response
Use examples with more detail. Your Taiwan example helps, but it is still a bit short.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape, which is good. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly inside each paragraph. Some lines jump too fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words well, like first, also, for example, and in conclusion.
task response
You discuss both views and you give your opinion in the end.
task response
You include a real example about cost in Taiwan.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow most of the time.
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