IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The movement of people from villages to cities for work can cause serious problems in both places. What are the serious problems associated with this? What measures can be taken to solve these problems?

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In contemporary, there has been a drastic urbanization for decades to looking for better workplaces.
This
Linking Words
 became a main problem of now society, which causes severe matters to both villages and cities. It is because of the population, which is too small and the other side shows the opposite phenomenon. On the one hand, a big movement from workforces which prolonged for a long
time
Use synonyms
 has made a significant damage to the countryside. As
people
Use synonyms
 disappeared, local shops
such
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 as restaurants or super markets bankrupted because there are no more clienteles to spend money on them left.
As a result
Linking Words
, villages become poor, it means that they can't investigate money to improve the region.
For example
Linking Words
, a region fall apart from the city which lacks of the ages who can work actively, are lived by senior only, and it has presented bad maintenance of the facilities.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the city
also
Linking Words
 has serious issues because of its density. Too many
people
Use synonyms
 settled in the city suddenly before the appropriate structeres and policies were pilared. It caused a lot of problems to the dwellers' everyday life
such
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 as public transport system.
For instance
Linking Words
, when the commute
time
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 comes, every roads and subways are full of
people
Use synonyms
, with no private distance, wasting too much
time
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 on the way workplaces. The average on spending
time
Use synonyms
 on the road is almost 1 and a half hour. It frustrates
people
Use synonyms
's mental and physical health. To solve these problems, some of the work places with good quality should move to villages. As we do
this
Linking Words
, active workforces would return to their hometown or another places, and formulate local economic development.

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task response
Answer both questions in a more full way. You wrote about problems in villages and cities, and you gave one way to fix them, but you need more steps to solve both sides well.
task response
Make your main idea more clear in each body part. Start each part with one clear point, then explain it, then give one simple example.
task response
Your examples are helpful, but some are not fully clear. Use short and real examples so the reader can see your point fast.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape, which is good. But some ideas inside sentences are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice.
coherence and cohesion
Linking is good in some places, like On the one hand and On the other hand. Add more simple links like First, Also, Because of this, and As a result.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending is too short. Write a full last part that sums up the two main problems and the two main fixes.
task response
You answered the topic and wrote about both villages and cities.
task response
You gave causes and effects, not only one idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to see in parts: intro, two body parts, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used well and help the reader move through the essay.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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