Some people believe that it is better for a nation’s economy if students study science and technology rather than other subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Choosing STEM
subjects
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to boost a nation's
economy
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is a controversial issue today.
While
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STEM
subjects
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are vital for growth, I believe other
subjects
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are equally essential for the growth of
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economy
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the economy
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.
Furthermore
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, I partially agree
choosing
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that choosing
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STEM
subjects
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can lead the
economy
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of the country. There are
few
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a few
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reasons to support my views.
To begin
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with, Science and Technology lead to automation and efficiency.
For example
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, entrepreneurs like Elon Musk created SpaceX, Tesla,
OpenAI
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and OpenAI
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. These
kind
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kinds
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of companies can drive innovation that
create
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creates
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new ideas and methods that can improve our
society
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become more efficient and convenient.
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Also
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Also,
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countries with high-technology often
attracts
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attract
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more sponsorship and investment
like
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, like
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AI or green energy.
This
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shows that technological advancement leads
more
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to more
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benefits and opportunities. With more opportunities, countries
had
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with
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advanced technology often creates a large economic benefits.
On the other hand
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, other
subjects
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are
also
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necessary for balancing the
economy
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and
society
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.
For
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example
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example,
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studying law and psychology, management are the 'glue' to make
the
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apply
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society
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and business
to
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apply
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run normally.
Besides
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that, art, media,
sports
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and sports
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can
also
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generate billions of dollars.
For instance
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, students studying sports management may host a range of sports events like Formula 1, NBA,
FIFA
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and FIFA
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World Cup. These
kind
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kinds
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of events can produce a sufficient amount of profit.
This
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shows that studying different
subjects
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not only
helping
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helps
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the
economy
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to grow but
also
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kept the
society
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to run smooth and normally. In conclusion, I partially agree that STEM
subjects
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can lead the country to technologically advanced and attract various
of
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apply
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investments that can boost the
economy
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.
However
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, other
subjects
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like business, social science or media are
also
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essential for the community.
Moreover
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,
those kind
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these kinds
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of
subjects
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can support the
society
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to become
balance
Replace the word
balanced
. It is known that technology and science
is
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are
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the more efficient ways to make a profit
,
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;
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however
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, it needs other
subjects
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to create a 'real'
society
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. A thriving
economy
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requires creativity and
workforce
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a workforce
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,
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;
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different
subjects
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should be studied in order to make the
economy
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more progressive.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. You say 'partially agree', but some lines are not fully clear.
task response
Answer all parts in a direct way. Say why science and technology help, and why other subjects also help, in a more balanced way.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Add one more clear reason or result in each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some parts connect well, but some jumps are sudden.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because unclear sentences can make your meaning hard to follow.
task response
You answer the topic and give your opinion.
task response
You use examples like Elon Musk and big sports events to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words such as 'To begin with', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion'.
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