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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The pie chart illustrates the location of
dance
Use synonyms
 classes in a city in Australia,
while
Linking Words
 the bar graph illustrates the types of
dance
Use synonyms
 classes and the number of young people who are attending
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
those classes.
Overall
Linking Words
, the largest proportion of
students
Use synonyms
 prefer to study at the private
studios
Use synonyms
;
however
Linking Words
, under the
age
Use synonyms
 of 11, the largest number of
students
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
dance
Use synonyms
 ballet, and the largest number of 11-16
age
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
dance
Use synonyms
 modern. College-based
studios
Use synonyms
, which have the lowest proportion of
students
Use synonyms
 attending locations, are attended by at 10% youngers.
Although
Linking Words
 the 48% of
students
Use synonyms
 prefer to
dance
Use synonyms
 at the private
studios
Use synonyms
, only the 10% of
students
Use synonyms
 prefer to study at the college-based
studios
Use synonyms
. The Sum of the percentages of the two types of locations is at 58% , which is higher than the sum of the percentages of school and community halls & others.
Moreover
Linking Words
, more than 600
students
Use synonyms
dance
Use synonyms
 ballet, which is the most
under
Correct word choice
common type of dance for students under
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
11
Change preposition
of 11
show examples
Check wording
apply
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 dancing type.
However
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
age 11-16
Correct word order
students aged 11- 16
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 do not prefer
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
dance
Use synonyms
 ballet compared to the other group.
In contrast
Linking Words
,the 11-16 group, the most
students
Use synonyms
dance
Use synonyms
 modern type.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words dance, students, studios, age with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "illustrates" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • attending
  • currently
  • location
  • variety
  • ballet
  • hip-hop
  • contemporary
  • jazz
  • venues
  • popularity
  • attendees
  • juxtaposing
  • correlating
  • proximity
  • cultural influences
  • trends
  • anomalies
  • monopoly
  • proportion
  • distribution
  • enrollment
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