IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should spend all of their free time with their families, while others think children should be free to spend their leisure time outside the home. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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It has always been a matter of debate how
children
Use synonyms
 should
utulise
Correct your spelling
utilise
 their spare
time
Use synonyms
.
While
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 it is believed by many individuals that
children
Use synonyms
 should stay only with their families whenever they are free, others consider going out to be more beneficial.
Although
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maintial
Correct your spelling
maternal
 family bonds
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 important, I believe there should be freedom to explore outdoors.
Supporting
Correct article usage
A supporting
show examples
 point of having family
time
Use synonyms
 for
children
Use synonyms
 is that it allows young ones to stay connected to their parents. As if teenagers are always with their elders at home, they are able to know about their family
backgroud
Correct your spelling
background
, culture, and the efforts their family put for their better life. These all would instill same values,
displine
Correct your spelling
discipline
, love and routine in
children
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 are more likely to reduce generational differences,
hence
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 lower or no
confilcts
Correct your spelling
conflicts
 at home. On the other side, youngsters' familarity to the
surrounding
Replace the word
surroundings
 can only be achieved by spending free
time
Use synonyms
 outdoors. In
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 there is a direct relation
in
Change preposition
between
show examples
 a person's success and the
awarenes
Correct your spelling
awareness
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
reality. When
children
Use synonyms
 are
outside
Punctuation problem
outside,
show examples
 they come to know how to deal with others, make
social
Correct article usage
a social
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 circle other than family
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 in turm build their confidence.
Moreover
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, they can learn about handling difficult situations
while
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 dealing with other people on their own.
Thus
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,
this
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 day to day knowleadge helps them grow mentally at a fast pace. In my opinion, stepping out of
home
Correct article usage
the home
show examples
 gives
children
Use synonyms
 the chance to explore
real life
Correct your spelling
real-life
 scenarios, helps to build confidence by interacting with others, and they experience things learned in books about topics like social norms.
Also
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, being with family every
time
Use synonyms
 could bore them and narrow their thinking.
To conclude
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, it can be said that
although
Linking Words
 family interactions are important, to get broader real life knowleadge and to make free
time
Use synonyms
enjoyable
Punctuation problem
enjoyable,
show examples
 it is crucial for
childrem
Correct your spelling
children
 to have exposure to
outdoors
Correct article usage
the outdoors
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. You did this, but the side about family time needs a bit more detail.
task response
Give one clear example for each main point. This will make your ideas stronger and more real.
task response
Make your opinion very clear from start to end. Your view is there, but it can be a little more direct.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are linked well, but a few lines are hard to follow because of grammar and word choice. Keep sentences shorter and simpler.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Words like 'on the other hand', 'for example', and 'as a result' can help the flow.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most main ideas stay on the topic.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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