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Writing Samples
Band 5

You Recently Took a Part-Time Job Working for A Local Company. After a Few Weeks, You Realize Some Problems with The Job. Write a Letter to The Manager of the company: Explain Why You Took the Job. Describe the Problems that You Experienced. Suggest What Could Be Done About Them.

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I am writing
this
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 letter to express my dissatisfaction with the problems I am experiencing at work. My name is Harmandeep Kaur, and I am a Part-Time employee of your esteemed company. I got
this
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 job because I have worked in the food industry. I opted for
this
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 job as I am pursuing my post-graduation in the Food Industry full-time and working for 20
hours
Use synonyms
 a week.
This
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 is the only job I am currently employed with.
However
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, I need help, which I would like to discuss with you.
To begin
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 with, I am not able to get the full 20
hours
Use synonyms
 a week, which is the reason I am not able to afford the day-to-day expenses.
Moreover
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, all the part-time shifts are given to me in the morning and overnight
times
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apply
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. I am not able to work these odd
hours
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 as it directly affects my studies and college. I do not want to sacrifice my education, but I want to work as a food industry supervisor in your company so that I have a bright future with amenities and benefits. Other than that, many employees do not start their shifts on time, which causes others to have to take over, and
this
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 issue has been there since day one. Others are suffering
due to
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negligence
Correct article usage
the negligence
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 of the importance of time in working
hours
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. The main issue is with the early morning shifts. I thought I should report the irregularities to you so that strict action can be taken.
Besides
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this
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, it was hard for me to reach you, so I would like you to kindly add a suggestion box in the common room through which employees can provide some suggestions regarding the workplace. If you want to inquire
any
Correct determiner usage
apply
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further
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, please do not hesitate to contact me. I hope you will consider my problems and suggestions and act upon them as soon as possible. Yours sincerely, Salieu Barrie.

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task response
For task response: say more clearly why you took the job. You say you study full time and have food work skills, but you can link this more directly to the job.
task response
For task response: your problems are clear, but one point about wanting to be a supervisor does not fit well here. Keep the focus on the present job problems.
task response
For task response: your ideas for change are good, but add one more direct fix, like giving you evening shifts or a fixed 20-hour plan.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: the letter has a clear order, but some sentences are long and a bit hard to follow. Make them shorter.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: keep one main idea in each paragraph. The part about your future job plan can be cut or moved.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: check small links between ideas. Use simple words like first, also, and finally to guide the reader.
task response
For task response: you answer all three parts of the question: why you took the job, what problems you had, and what can be done.
task response
For task response: the tone is mostly polite and right for a letter to a manager.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: the letter has a clear opening, body, and closing.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: you use linking words like however, moreover, and other than that to join ideas.
The Greeting

Depending on the style and aim of the letter, you will need to adapt your greeting.

Always start an informal letter in the ways:

  • Dear + name
  • Hi / Hello + name

‘Dear...’ is more appropriate, so stick with this.

For a formal letter there are two options for the greeting:

  • Use Dear Sir or Madam if you don’t know the name of the person you are writing to.
  • Use Dear + surname if you do know their name, e.g. Dear Mr Smith or Dear Mrs Jones.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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