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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that government should ban dangerous sports while others think people should have freedom to do anysports or activity. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
Some citizens say that authorities must ban dangerous
sports
Use synonyms
.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 others believe
people
Use synonyms
 must have
choose
Wrong verb form
chosen
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 or activities freely. I will discuss both views
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and give my opinion in the conclusion.
People
Use synonyms
 learn
sports
Use synonyms
 for different
reassons
Correct your spelling
reasons
,
also
Linking Words
 some
these
Change preposition
of these
show examples
reassons
Correct your spelling
reasons
 can make sure that they are safe.
Body · 1
On the one hand, experts sometimes announce
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
how dangerous some
games
Use synonyms
.
Verb problem
are.
show examples
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, players of these
games
Use synonyms
 may play for money only,
Without considiring
Correct your spelling
without considering
 the long-term injuries. They can have from these
sports
Use synonyms
.
While
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the only
people
Use synonyms
have
Correct pronoun usage
who have
show examples
 a real benefit from these
the
Verb problem
are the
show examples
 owners of the teams
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and
sponsers
Check wording
sponsors
show examples
 of these
sports
Use synonyms
. They earn money during watch
people
Use synonyms
 fight each other.
For example
Linking Words
, American football
players
Punctuation problem
players,
show examples
 when experts announce that all
match
Fix the agreement mistake
matches
show examples
 they hit each other
aggresively
Correct your spelling
aggressively
.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 their gears hit their heads, with
this
Linking Words
 proggresively affects
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their brains. And in
long-term
Correct determiner usage
the long term
show examples
,
this
Linking Words
 can make them more
able
Correct word choice
prone
show examples
 to
have
Verb problem
apply
show examples
brain cancer,
also
Linking Words
 their brain neurons
destroy
Wrong verb form
are destroyed
show examples
 progressively.
Additionally
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,
New
Correct article usage
the new
show examples
 generation can need to participate unconsciously in
this
Linking Words
 sport. So, for
people
Use synonyms
 safeity governments must ban these
games
Use synonyms
.
Body · 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
people
Use synonyms
 play
sports
Use synonyms
 for different
reassons
Correct your spelling
reasons
.
but
Fix capitalization
But
show examples
 these
sports
Use synonyms
 can have a
lot
Use synonyms
 of benefits on their lives. When, sometimes, doctors advise parents to participate
their
Change preposition
in sports for their
show examples
 children who have ADHD
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as
box
Replace the word
boxing
 and MMA. Because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 these
games
Use synonyms
 have a high
potintial
Correct your spelling
potential
 to
shrink
Verb problem
make
show examples
 kids
angrey
Correct your spelling
angry
 and their
high
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
movements. But
also
Linking Words
, they make
useful
Replace the word
use
 of their
negatives
Correct word choice
negative
show examples
 energies. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they hit one target for a long time and make a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
efforts
Check wording
effort
show examples
.
Also
Linking Words
, these
sports
Use synonyms
 can
learn
Verb problem
teach
show examples
people
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 how
they
Wrong verb form
to
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 defend themselves,
Especially
Fix capitalization
especially
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 women. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they can face
problem
Check wording
problems
show examples
 anytime, from
the
Check wording
people of
show examples
 different
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
. But these
sports
Use synonyms
 can appear aggresively in TV, because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 international players and their ways of playing.
In contrast
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, they have a
lot
Use synonyms
 of advantages
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 lives.
Conclusion
In conclusion, some
sports
Use synonyms
 appear
aggresive
Correct your spelling
aggressive
, but they have a
lot
Use synonyms
 of advantages
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 lives. When
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they help
people
Use synonyms
 to
utllize
Correct your spelling
utilise
 their energy in
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 way,
Linking Words
also
Correct pronoun usage
they also
show examples
 help
people
Use synonyms
 to protect
them selves
Correct your spelling
themselves
.
because
Change preposition
Because of
show examples
this
Linking Words
, in my opinion, all
people
Use synonyms
 should play any
sports
Use synonyms
 freely.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. The first side is stronger than the second side.
task response
Give your opinion more clearly in the body, not only at the end.
task response
Use examples that are clear and short. Some ideas are hard to follow now.
coherence and cohesion
Make one main idea for each paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Do not use too many link words like 'also', 'when', and 'but'. Use them only when needed.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar, because many lines stop the flow of your ideas.
task response
You discuss both views and you give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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