IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that employers should ensure a pleasant working environment so that workers feel valued and will therefore work hard. Others feel that employers should be stricter with employees and monitor them closely to ensure they work hard. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Many people believe that employers should create a friendly and supportive workplace, so
workers
Use synonyms
feels
Correct subject-verb agreement
feel
show examples
 more appreciated;
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
however,
show examples
 others argue that
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strict supervision is necessary to ensure
workers
Use synonyms
 perform efficiently.
Body · 1
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss both perspectives before explaining why I consider a balanced and positive working
environment
Use synonyms
more
Verb problem
to be more
show examples
efficiently
Replace the word
efficient
 in the long
period
Check wording
run
show examples
.
Body · 2
On the one hand, providing a pleasant work
environment
Use synonyms
 can significantly improve
Use synonyms
workers
Check wording
workers'
show examples
 motivation,
consequently
Linking Words
 increasing their sense of loyalty towards their company.
Body · 3
For example
Linking Words
, jobs that offer flexible working hours and rewards often experience lower staff turnover and
a better
Correct word choice
higher
show examples
 job satisfaction.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, a healthy
environment
Use synonyms
 encourages teamwork and creativity because
employees
Use synonyms
 feel free to share
advices
Check wording
advice
show examples
 without fear of criticism.
As a result
Linking Words
,
businesess
Correct your spelling
businesses
 could benefit from innovation and stronger performances, raising the
overall
Linking Words
 threshold.
Body · 4
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some people think that
employees
Use synonyms
 need to be strict and carefully monitor staff to
mantain
Correct your spelling
maintain
 discipline and efficiency.
Body · 5
In certain industries,
such
Linking Words
 as
manifacturing
Correct your spelling
manufacturing
 or customer service may prevent mistakes and ensure a better flow.
Body · 6
In
Linking Words
addition
Add a comma
addition,
show examples
 some
workers
Use synonyms
 could be less productive without clear rules to follow, leading to a decrease in
companiey's
Correct your spelling
the company's
 profit.
Body · 7
In my opinion,
although
Linking Words
 a certain level of supervision is necessary, creating a supportive and pleasant workplace is generally a better approach; exceeding
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
control may lead some
employees
Use synonyms
 to feel more pressured than motivated.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
workers
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 feel
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
appreciated are more likely to work hard willingly and remain committed to their organisation.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
strict
monitorising
Correct your spelling
monitoring
 could help to
mantain
Correct your spelling
maintain
 discipline, a positive
environment
Use synonyms
 is usually more beneficial since it increases
employees
Use synonyms
' well-being.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You did this, but the second side needs more detail.
task response
Make your opinion very clear in one short sentence early and again in the end.
task response
Use one clear example for the strict side too, not only for the kind workplace side.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, for example, as a result, however, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each body paragraph has one main idea and then support it well.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete or not fully clear. Rewrite them in a simple way.
task response
You discussed both views and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used some good linking words like on the one hand, on the other hand, and in conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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