IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

What distinguishes young people from their parents’ or grandparents’ generation is a lack of physical exercise. Today’s generation are spending far too long playing computer games, chatting aimlessly on social networking sites or simply watching TV, and too little time being active. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Throughout the
last
Linking Words
 several years, lack of exercise in the young
generation
Use synonyms
 from being addicted to social media, video games and TV has become one of the biggest concerns that
adolescents
Use synonyms
 are facing. Compared to grandparents'
generation
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 is being more active than the new
generation
Use synonyms
 because of the lack of technological advancement. I believe that,
while
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 there are potential positive effects, the technologies can
also
Linking Words
 affect the
youngster's
Check wording
youngsters'
show examples
 physical health.
To begin
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 with, these technological advancements provide convenience
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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adolescents
Use synonyms
become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lazier. In the past, if people desired to communicate with peers, they had to get up and walk or ride a bicycle to their friend's house
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 was considered an exercise.
While
Linking Words
 the younger generations can communicate by just moving their fingers to type texts or press the call
button
Punctuation problem
button,
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 as
this
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 action can be done by
laying
Wrong verb form
lying
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 in bed or anywhere.
This
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 development
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technology decreases
chances
Correct article usage
the chances
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 for teenagers to move their bodies.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 the popular trends of showing lifestyle on social media, some
adolescents
Use synonyms
 work out to obtain their desired bodies in order to show off on the internet.
However
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, it is a minority of the new
generation
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 to be active to impress people online.
Nevertheless
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, nowadays teenagers are less likely to play real
sports
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.
In other words
Linking Words
,
adolescents
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 tend to play
sport
Check wording
sports
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 video games rather than play actual
sports
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. If the older
generation
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 wanted to play
sports
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such
Linking Words
 as football, basketball, golf or tennis in the earlier days, they had to go to
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
 centres and run throughout each round
gaining
Punctuation problem
, gaining
show examples
 health benefits.
Nonetheless
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, these new generations can play football or other
sports
Use synonyms
 by just controlling a character to run around the court with NPCs (non-player
character
Fix the agreement mistake
characters
show examples
) with their controller, moving only their thumbs and might
moving
Wrong verb form
move
show examples
 their whole body when jumping around to celebrate their victory. The proliferation of computer games makes youngsters not consider exercising by playing
sports
Use synonyms
 anymore. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 advanced technology can provide some positive effects
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
generation
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, it provides too much convenience
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 makes them
become
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lazier and makes
adolescents
Use synonyms
 not consider playing
sports
Use synonyms
 and exercising as much as the old generations.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear in the first part. Say if you agree, disagree, or partly agree in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear idea in each body part. This will make your essay easier to follow.
task response
Explain your ideas a bit more deeply. Some points are good, but a few need more detail to fully answer the task.
coherence and cohesion
Use link words in a more natural way. Sometimes words like 'however' and 'nonetheless' are not used well together.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence connection. A few parts sound broken or not fully joined, so the flow is weaker.
task response
You answer the topic and stay on it through the essay.
task response
You give real and clear examples about phones, games, and sports.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas move in a logical order.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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