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Writing Samples
Band 5

Being a celebrity - such as a famous film star or sports personality - brings problems as well as benefits. Do you think that being a celebrity has more benefits or more problems?

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In
our
Correct determiner usage
apply
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today’s world, famous
people
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’s life has always been a topic for many heated debates. Some claim that being
celebrity
Correct article usage
a celebrity
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 can bring more
benefits
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 than drawbacks.
However
Linking Words
, I personally believe that it can cause more problems. It is obvious that fame and fortune can bring many advantages. The main one is financial freedom since they receive
great
Correct article usage
a great
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 deal of money for almost
being exist
Wrong verb form
existing
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 in any event once they reach popularity. We can take influencers as a vivid example, the amount of money they receive for a day from social platforms
such
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 as “
tiktok
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TikTok
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” or “
instagram
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Instagram
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” can be equal to a monthly salary of
ordinary
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an ordinary
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 worker. When it comes to
relationship
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relationships
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, it is easier for them to attract
people
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 they like
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it is very rare to hear that they got rejected after they confessed to someone they admire.
Moreover
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, they are always in the
center
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centre
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 of attention
which
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, which
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 means a lot of
people
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 care about them
and
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, and
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 when
necessary
Punctuation problem
necessary,
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 they can receive support from thousands of
people
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.
Thus
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, as these examples highlighted, there are more
benefits
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 in their life. Despite all the fame and the fortune, being famous can cost more than that
as
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, as
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 they sometimes have to sacrifice their own privacy. One of the main
struggle
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struggles
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 they come across is that
due to
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 their money, many
people
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 who have
side
Correct article usage
a side
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 agenda can try to be
friend
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friends
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 or close with them for their own
benefits
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can make forming a pure life –long friendship difficult.
Furthermore
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, since they always catch
huge
Correct article usage
a huge
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 audience’s attention, it is hard to avoid harsh criticism and
flow
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the flow
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 of hate, causing depression and loss of self-esteem. Considering everyone has different morals and
preference
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preferences
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, being approved and loved by everyone is almost impossible. So getting hate even
they
Correct word choice
though they
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 did not do anything wrong is not so strange. As
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 result, they start doubting their own skills or appearance
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can cause depression and even isolation. It is true that they are always under
spotlight
Correct article usage
the spotlight
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, which sometimes means they do not have their own privacy.
Therefore
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, being
celebrity
Correct article usage
a celebrity
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 can
also
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 be as challenging as any other
jobs
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job
show examples
.
To sum up
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, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the financial freedom or any other
benefits
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, being in the attention of many has its own challenges.

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task response
Answer the question more directly. Say clearly why the problems are bigger than the benefits in each body part.
task response
Develop your main ideas more. Some points are good, but a few need deeper explanation.
task response
Use examples that fit the topic better. The example about love and rejection feels too general.
coherence and cohesion
Make your topic sentence match your final view. In body 1, the last line says there are more benefits, but your full essay says the opposite.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences feel long and hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear paragraph focus. Each paragraph should have one main job and support it step by step.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give your own view.
task response
You include examples and real-life points, like money, privacy, and hate from the public.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use words like however, moreover, furthermore, and therefore to connect ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Public scrutiny
  • Intrusive
  • Endorsements
  • Sponsorships
  • Financial security
  • High-profile collaborations
  • Social influence
  • Philanthropic efforts
  • Trust issues
  • Mental health challenges
  • Substance abuse
  • Pressures of celebrity
  • Expectations
  • Disconnect from reality
  • Normalcy
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