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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days, many young people do not spend their weekends and holidays doing outdoor activities such as hiking or mountaineering. Why is this the case? How can they be encouraged to spend more time in the natural environment?

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Most of the young
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays spend their weekends indoors,
instead
Linking Words
 of doing
some
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
activities
such
Linking Words
 as hiking and mountaineering, and I believe that the main reason behind
this
Linking Words
 situation is that they use
technology
Use synonyms
 all of the
time
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, and I will discuss
this
Linking Words
 case in the rest of the essay. As I mentioned, devices and
technology
Use synonyms
 are what's keeping young
people
Use synonyms
 from moving and doing some activities, since young
people
Use synonyms
 have some kind of addiction, and it affects their movement level. Young
people
Use synonyms
 should read articles about addiction to devices,
in addition
Linking Words
 to reading about how spending
time
Use synonyms
 in natural environments is helpful and fun. Another solution that came to mind is "parents". They should have a strict schedule
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 using
technology
Use synonyms
, even if their children are not kids anymore.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they would have leisure
time
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 to go out and do some activity since there is nothing else to do. Parents could
also
Linking Words
 plan to have fun with their children to
soppurt
Correct your spelling
support
 the idea of moving and spending
time
Use synonyms
 outdoors, it would be
such
Linking Words
 a helpful solution for parents as well, since
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days, not only young
people
Use synonyms
 are having an addiction
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 devices,
actually
Correct word choice
but
show examples
this
Linking Words
 problem is happening for both young and old
people
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
,
technology
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 is evolving
by the
Correct word choice
as
show examples
time
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 goes
, and
Change preposition
on, and
show examples
 we can not change that, but each individual should have the ability to reduce the
time
Use synonyms
 spent on
technology
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, interact with nature, and move their bodies, since it is
such
Linking Words
 a good thing for
your
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 mental and physical health.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You say why young people stay inside, and you give ways to help, but the ideas are short.
task response
Add one or two clear examples, like a school trip, a family walk, or a weekend club. This will make your ideas stronger.
task response
Explain your main points more. For example, say why phones are so attractive and why nature trips can be fun and easy.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some parts connect well, but some ideas jump too fast from one point to another.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea and then support it with reasons or examples.
task response
You clearly talk about the main cause: too much use of technology.
task response
You give two ways to encourage outdoor time: reading about the problem and help from parents.
coherence and cohesion
There is an introduction and a conclusion, so the essay feels complete.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow most of the time.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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