IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is often thought that the increase in juvenile crime can be attributed to violence in the media. What do you think are the reasons for a growth in the rate of juvenile crime? What solutions can be offered to deal with this situation?

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It is said that the constant exposure to social media promotes the amount of juvenile crime in society nowadays.
Although
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 there are
also
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 a host of significant problems that cause for a growth in the rate of juvenile crime, there are many detrimental solutions that can be offered to deal with
this
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 situation. One of the biggest problems is that regular exposure to
violence
Use synonyms
 in the media can affect young
people
Use synonyms
’s attitudes and behaviour.
This
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 is because regular exposure reduces emotional response to
violence
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, making it seem normal or acceptable
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 young
people
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 may imitate
Use synonyms
violence
Replace the word
violent
 actions seen in media, leading to aggressive tendencies
of
Correct word choice
or
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 behaviours in individuals
especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 young
people
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 who are
underaged
Replace the word
underage
.
This
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 could be prevented by
the
Verb problem
limiting the
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 viewing time of violent films and online games. Another problem is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of parental guidance
which
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, which
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 can lead teenagers to delinquency. Peer pressure and gangs can exert an adverse influence on the young.
This
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 could be addressed by parents setting clear guidelines and rules by parents to encourage
in taking an active
Correct word order
them to take an active role as a
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 good role model in their child’s life. The third problem is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of interest and direction
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can lead youngsters astray.
This
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 can be prevented by organising more interesting and involving extracurricular activities by schools. Parents
also
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 encourage youngsters to take up a sport or a hobby. The final problem states that domestic
violence
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 can force young
people
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 onto the streets and into bad company. To tackle
this
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 issue, the government should have supervised social clubs where youths can go in their free time.
In addition
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,
Setting
Fix capitalization
setting
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 up more helplines and support groups for young
people
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 from troubled family backgrounds prevent imitation violent actions for young adults.
To sum up
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,
although
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it is clear that
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 an increase in juvenile crime can
be resulted
Wrong verb form
result
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 from a range of problems, it is undoubtedly possible to start to address these issues by taking up new hobbies and following clear supervised guidelines and rules.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Say more about why crime goes up, not only the fixes.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. Start each part with one direct point.
task response
Give one real or clear example to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, because, and as a result.
task response
Check grammar in key sentences so your meaning is easy to follow.
task response
You wrote about more than one cause of juvenile crime.
task response
You gave a solution for each problem, which helps answer the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is mostly clear.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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