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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

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In recent times, criminal offences committed by teenagers have increased drastically.
This
Linking Words
 rise is
due to
Linking Words
 the poor
economical
Replace the word
economic
 status of the world, and can only be solved by systemic efforts to reduce the financial burdens placed upon the next generation. The middle class is the most underpowered it has been in centuries. During the
industrial revolution
Fix capitalization
Industrial Revolution
show examples
, many jobs were available, giving young adults the ability to make an affordable living.
Due to
Linking Words
 the exorbitant inflation rates we are currently experiencing, it is nearly impossible to purchase a house in certain countries, even if one works their entire life.
Thus
Linking Words
, young adults are more likely to turn to drastic measures in
order
Use synonyms
 to be able to afford a good living.
For example
Linking Words
, a friend of mine had to resort to selling narcotics when I lived in the United States, because his father
left
Verb problem
had left
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 him as a child and he had to take care of himself and his two sisters. A traditional job did not make enough,
thus
Linking Words
 he resorted to crime in
order
Use synonyms
 to make ends meet. The government is at
a major
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
fault for these issues, and must help balance the wealth gap, in
order
Use synonyms
 to tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue. With a more unregulated market than ever, the wealthy continue to accumulate the bulk of wealth.
As a consequence
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
, the middle and lower
class
Correct subject-verb agreement
classes
show examples
 receive less of
this
Linking Words
 income.
Therefore
Linking Words
, higher taxation rates on the richer population could be a feasible solution
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 in
order
Use synonyms
 to redistribute
this
Linking Words
 wealth.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Scandinavian nations, there are extremely high taxation rates, which are used to give huge subsidies to struggling citizens.
This
Linking Words
 allows them to have enough stability to survive, despite the harsh economic climate of Europe. In conclusion, the current financial market does not offer many opportunities to the younger population,
endorsing
Verb problem
leading
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 them to commit crimes in search of a better life. Institutional support for the younger generation must be more
substancial
Correct your spelling
substantial
 in
order
Use synonyms
 to tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue effectively.

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task response
Give more than one reason for teen crime. Now you mostly talk about money. Add one more cause, like bad home life or bad friends.
task response
Make your answer more balanced. The task says reasons and solutions, so try to give two clear reasons and two clear solutions.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but some parts are too general. Explain how each reason leads teens to crime in a more direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more careful way. Some links are good, but a few ideas jump too fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body paragraph. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the example fit the main point very clearly. Your personal example is strong, but explain it a bit more simply and directly.
task response
You answer both parts of the task: reasons and solutions.
task response
Your main position is clear from the start and stays clear to the end.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas are linked in a logical order.
task response
You use one real example, and this helps support your point.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • crime rate
  • teenager crime
  • bad influence
  • peer pressure
  • family care
  • clear rules
  • wrong choice
  • gang culture
  • feel accepted
  • illegal acts
  • lack of money
  • poor background
  • equal chances
  • safe activities
  • after-school programs
  • job training
  • community support
  • moral lessons
  • online violence
  • early help
  • stay on the right path
  • sense of purpose
  • turn to crime
  • prevent crime
  • solve the problem
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