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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

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In 1995,
there were
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apply
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about 45% of
people
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who
Verb problem
were
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 born in
citiies
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cities
 in
Australia
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.
Also
Linking Words
,
people
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 who
born
Verb problem
were born
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 in
cities
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 outside
Australia
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 occupied 60%. When it comes to
people
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 who
born
Verb problem
were born
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in town
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apply
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in
Australia
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, accounted for 20%.
Otherwise
Linking Words
,
people
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 born in towns outside
Australia
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 recorded 10%.
People
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 born in rural areas in
Australia
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outside
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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Australia
Use synonyms
 was about 35% and 40%, respectively. In 2010, it looked Both graphs about
people
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 born in
cities
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 increased
each
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by
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 20
percentages
Fix the agreement mistake
per cent
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,
people
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 born in
Australia
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 were over 60%
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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who
Correct pronoun usage
those
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 born outside
Australia
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 were 80%,
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
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percetage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 in the bars.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
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People
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the number of people
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 born in towns had slightly decreased,
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people
Correct word choice
and people
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 born in
Australia
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 and outside
Australia
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 were each about 15% and 10%.
Lastly
Linking Words
,
People
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 born in rural areas
sharply
Verb problem
have sharply
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 vanished.
People
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 born in
Australia
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 were similar proportion as who born in towns.
However
Linking Words
,
people
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 born outside
Australia
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 were the lowest figure, about 5%. In conclusion,
this
Linking Words
 bar chart shows that
people
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 are likely to gather
to
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in
show examples
cities
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, which means population density is increasing in
cities
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, australia, cities with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 5 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographics
  • urbanization
  • migration patterns
  • population distribution
  • percentage points
  • growth rate
  • decline
  • trend analysis
  • socioeconomic factors
  • infrastructure development
  • rural exodus
  • census data
  • lifestyle changes
  • residential patterns
  • immigration policies
  • emigration
  • natural increase
  • birth rate
  • settlement patterns
  • push and pull factors
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