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Band 4.5

Some people think that children would benefit if they attend nursery school before primary school while some people think that children should stay all day with their families. Discuss both the views and give your opinion.

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Several individual believes that
children
Use synonyms
 could get advantages if they go
kindergarten
Change preposition
to kindergarten
show examples
 before going
elementary
Change preposition
to elementary
show examples
school
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 other believes that
Use synonyms
childrens
Check wording
children
show examples
 need to spend time with their
parents
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that,
although
Linking Words
 it helps them to develop social and
communications skill
Check wording
communication skills
show examples
,and helps to adopt primary
school
Use synonyms
 environment,
Use synonyms
parents attentions
Check wording
parents' attention
show examples
 and emotional support
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more essential.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
childrens
Replace the word
children
 attending pre-primary
school
Use synonyms
 are
confidence
Replace the word
confident
 because interacting with other
children
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 helps them to face
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
situations.
Due to
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 which they learn communication skills before joining primary
school
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.
Additionally
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, they like to spend time
to attend
Wrong verb form
attending
show examples
 social
gathering
Check wording
gatherings
show examples
 which improve their social interaction attitude,
as a
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result
Punctuation problem
result,
show examples
 they become more
familar
Correct your spelling
familiar
 with grade surrounding.
For example
Linking Words
, in urban
most
Check wording
areas, most
show examples
of the
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 send their
Use synonyms
childrens
Replace the word
children
 to
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
 childhood education
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
, where
children
Use synonyms
 learn basic things
such
Linking Words
 as eating, playing and making friends. And after some
time
Punctuation problem
time,
show examples
 they are ready to join primary
school
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, because of pre-primary
Use synonyms
school
Punctuation problem
school,
show examples
 they easily get adjusted
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 junior
school
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 need to complet task before attending
school
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is stressful for them.
Secondly
Linking Words
, early
childrens
Use synonyms
 needs more care and
attentions
Check wording
attention
show examples
 from their
parents
Use synonyms
. They need to learn many things from their own family
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as sibling bonds, taking care of
eachother
Correct your spelling
each other
. And all
this
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 can be
learn
Wrong verb form
learned
show examples
 from family. At
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early age, many
children
Use synonyms
 are
clue less
Replace the word
clueless
 about what is good or what is bad. On the otherhand they feel more protective when they are
surround
Wrong verb form
surrounded
show examples
 by
parents
Use synonyms
. In
such
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case
Correct article usage
a case
show examples
,
they
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
they are sent to
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
school
Use synonyms
, they become shy to share
issue
Check wording
issues
show examples
 and feel lonely. Feeling
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
alone
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
create distance and become emotionally unavabilabe which can create huge problems in their adult life.
For instance
Linking Words
, many people are facing
problem
Check wording
problems
show examples
while
Linking Words
 dealing with their emotions because many
children
Use synonyms
 has sent
their
Change preposition
to
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
 at
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
 age. Facing
bully
Replace the word
bullying
 and
lonely
Replace the word
loneliness
 has develope survival mood
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 them
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 they become more moody and donot handly things properly. Because they
donot
Correct your spelling
do not
 get proper
attentions
Check wording
attention
show examples
 from family and
faced
Wrong verb form
face
show examples
 all by
them selves
Correct your spelling
themselves
 and
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 no one is
their
Use the right word
there
show examples
 to protect them.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 involvement is necessary before sending them
Use synonyms
school
Change preposition
to school
show examples
 at
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
 stage. In conclusion, many people
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 sending
children
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
school
Change preposition
to school
show examples
 at pre-primary give advantage
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 remaining believed to stay with
parents
Use synonyms
 is necessary.
Although
Linking Words
 early childhood
center
Change the verb form
centres
show examples
 teach
to
Check wording
children to
show examples
 become more active socially, emotional support is essential to deal with emotions.

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task response
Answer both views in a more equal way. The first view is shorter and less clear than the second view.
task response
State your opinion in a very clear way in the introduction and keep it the same in the whole essay.
task response
Give ideas with simple and clear support. Some examples are too general or hard to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea for each paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, because, so, and therefore.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeated or unclear sentences, because they make the message hard to follow.
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You try to use examples to support your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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