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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Video games are very popular among the young today. This might be a reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world. What's your opinion on this point of view? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In the modern world,
video
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games
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 are very popular among the youth these days .
This
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 could be the major issue for the increasing rates of violence and crime across the majority of cities in our world. I firmly agree with
this
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 argument because
kids
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 are not aware of the impact of
video
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games
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 and their causes.
This
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 essay will examine both viewpoints and present a reasoned conclusion. Many individuals think that
video
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games
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 are a major problem for self-harming , and they're not beneficial for their
kids
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. Similar to drugs , as
i
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I
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 believe, playing
games
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 could
also
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 cause addiction.
For instance
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, in Spain between 2015-2016, a study was implemented on a group of teenagers, which states that drugs has 80% of the same impact as
games
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 could cause to humans' brain.
Furthermore
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, Minors may be seen as a vulnerable target for padators and
this
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 might be a real and serious reason for
kids
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 to take actions toward violence, and commit a crime.
On the other hand
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, I strongly believe that there are a lot of solutions that both parents and the government should implement. To some extent, one of the solutions
kids
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 must be monitored by a highly controlled system or tracking devices linked to parents' mobiles.
For example
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, when I was a kid i would not have the courage to open or scroll on harmful content even if I was curious because i know its going to apear on my mom's device.
Although
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 it's normal at
this
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 stage of teenagers' development to have curiosity. In conclusion, I truly understand that it is imperative to recognise that
video
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games
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 might have some benefits on the individuals career.
Such
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 as, Streaming nowadays is one of the highest-generating jobs that generate income. From my perspective, the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

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task response
Answer the main question more directly. Say clearly why you agree, and keep that view the same from start to end.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Add one clear reason, then explain it, then give one example.
task response
Use examples that are easy to trust. Some examples now feel weak or not clear enough.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph stay on one main point. Now one paragraph mixes problems, crime, and online danger.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, for example, however, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the next one. Some parts jump too fast to a new idea.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear ending.
task response
You give your opinion early, which helps the reader follow your essay.
task response
You try to use examples from study and from your life.
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