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Band 4.5

In the future, there will be a higher proportion of older people than younger people in many countries. Whis is this? is this a positive or negative development?

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There is no denying the fact that in the future, there will be a higher proportion of older
people
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 than younger
people
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 in many countries. It is a commonly held belief that there will be more older
people
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 than younger
community
Check wording
people
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 in the foreseeable future. There is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that wrong info
also
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 a negative thing.
To begin
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 with, the main Idea we should focus on is the percentage of older
people
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. Now, the statistics clearly show that they are in an equal range.
In other words
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, it means that the number of young teens and elderly
people
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 is nearly the same .
In addition
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, there is no need to think about that
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instead
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; instead
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, we should understand how the human circle of life
.
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works.
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 To exemplify We born as babies and
then
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 we became taddlers after that, we grow up until we become older. Another point to consider is
to know
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apply
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that each family should teach their child what to eat , like healthy food and do some exercises. It is
also
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 possible to say that learning
this
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 simple routine can reverse positivaly of their entire life.
Moreover
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, the body will be weak if they eat and drink soft drinks everyday and it is
also
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 a dangerous habit because they may not be able to quit it fast if you tell them to stop drinking soda or eating fast food.
For instance
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, 2 men, one of them was eating outside every single day , and the other was cooking healthy cuisine at home. The first one will be sick , and his stomach will be vomiting.
On the other hand
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 , the second person will be fine because he eats vegetables and healthy
foodstuff
Correct your spelling
food
 in general. In conclusion, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that working with causes like drinking water alot following healthy cooking and exercise would have an effect on your life.

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task response
Answer both parts of the question clearly. Say why this change happens, and say if it is good or bad.
task response
Your ideas are not always on the topic. Write about older and younger people, not only about healthy food.
coherence and cohesion
Give clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph for causes, and one paragraph for positive or negative effects.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a simple and correct way, like first, also, because, for example, and in conclusion.
task response
Support each main point with one clear example that fits the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeated sentences in the introduction. Write one clear background sentence and then your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to give an example to support your idea.
task response
You show your opinion in the essay.
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