IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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I greatly support the idea
about
Correct word choice
that children
show examples
Children
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 who are brought up in
families
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 that do not have large amounts of
money
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 are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than
children
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 brought up by wealthy parents. I support it, because of the following reason -
Children
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 who are brought up in
families
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 that do not have large amounts of
money
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 are raise in a certain psychological values.
Such
Linking Words
 as the value of hardworking,
dicipline
Correct your spelling
discipline
, they are used to
be
Wrong verb form
being
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 in
the
Correct article usage
a
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 condition where
money
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 doesn'
t
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 come easily. They have to earn it, work for it.
Oppose
Wrong verb form
Opposed
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 to it, a
child
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 who comes from a wealthy family is used to
have
Wrong verb form
having
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money
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 all the time. Whenever they wanted something, the
money
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 is eacilly gave to them as if everyday are their birthday.
Children
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 who are brought up in
families
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 that do not have large amounts of
money
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 are well-trained to face adulthood. They are well-prepared to see the fact that the world is a very tough place. They watched their parent everyday worked very hard just to put food on the table. They have the advantage to see the reality and embrace it, set their mind that they too have
work
Verb problem
to work
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 hard for their future, their own dreams, their authentic self. A
child
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 that came from a wealthy family doesn'
t
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 always have
this
Linking Words
 advantage.
Thic
Correct your spelling
This
 is because their eyes are blinded by the power of
money
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 that their parent has. They
also
Linking Words
 have a
dicadvantage
Correct your spelling
disadvantage
 of a family love life.
Commonly
Punctuation problem
Commonly,
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 wealthy parents express love
by
Change preposition
with
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money
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. They love their
children
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, so they bought them cars, expensive clothes, toys, but they are never home when their
children
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needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
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 them. The basic necessity of compassion isn'
t
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 fulfilled in
this
Linking Words
 kind of family. The impact
to
Change preposition
on
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 a
child
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 is that they will grow up and think that
money
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 is everything, that the source of happiness is
money
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. They don'
t
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 care about other people
,
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;
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 they only care about
money
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. The problem is they don'
t
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 know how to get it, they've been spoiled all the time, so doesn'
t
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 have the time to
discovered
Wrong verb form
discover
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 the art of
money
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 making, only
money
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 spending.
On the
Linking Words
contrary
Punctuation problem
contrary,
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children
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 from
families
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 that do not have
large
Correct article usage
a large
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 amount of
money
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 will grow up with
the
Correct article usage
a
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 sense of respect for
money
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, they know how to get it and use it well. They know how to face adult life problems because they've been watching since they were
achild
Correct your spelling
a child
. But a wealthy
child
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 is always
to
Use the right word
too
show examples
 busy with himself to know that.

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task response
Answer the question in a more balanced way. You clearly agree, but some ideas are too general.
task response
Add one clear example from real life or your own experience to make your ideas stronger.
task response
Write a short ending to sum up your main view.
coherence and cohesion
Put each main idea in its own paragraph. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words like 'first', 'also', 'for example', and 'in conclusion' to guide the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and hard to follow. Break them into shorter parts.
task response
Your opinion is clear from the start: you agree with the statement.
task response
You give more than one reason for your view, such as hard work and respect for money.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a basic order: introduction idea first, then reasons after that.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast between poor and rich children, and this helps connect your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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