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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many places, large shopping malls are replacing small shops. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development?

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It is argued that in many areas, many shopping
malls
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 are gradually replacing small
shops
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.
This
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 essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 development. One main advantage of large shopping
malls
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 is that they provide greater convenience for customers. The first thing is that the shopping
malls
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 offer a variety of products, including clothes, groceries, electronics and household goods in one place. People can save time and effort because they do not need to visit several different
shops
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.
In addition
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, many shopping
malls
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 provide entertainment
such
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 as cinemas, restaurants and kids' playgrounds, making shopping enjoyable.
For example
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, many families spend the whole weekend at the shopping mall where they can shop, have meals and watch a movie at the cinema together.
However
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, the replacement
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 small
shops
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 by large shopping
malls
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also
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 has several disadvantages. Small local businesses fight to compete with shopping
malls
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 because they cannot offer the same low prices or a wide range of products.
As a result
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, many small
shops
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 are forced to close, causing shop owners to lose their income.
For instance
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, many traditional stores have closed after a large shopping centre nearby, leaving residents with less independence to support
.
Correct pronoun usage
themselves.
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 In conclusion,
although
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 large shopping
malls
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 are more convenient and provide better services, they can
also
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 have negative effects on small businesses and local communities.
Therefore
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,
this
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 development brings both benefits and negative effects that should be carefully considered.

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task response
Answer both sides a bit more fully. Your main ideas are clear, but the bad side could be explained more.
task response
Add one more clear result for small shops and local people. This will make your answer more complete.
task response
Use examples with more detail. Your examples fit the topic, but they are a little general.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end. Keep this shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Link some ideas more smoothly. A few lines sound a little basic, like a list.
coherence and cohesion
Check word choice in a few places, because some lines are not fully clear, such as 'replacement for small shops' and 'less independence to support'.
task response
You answer both the good side and the bad side of the topic.
task response
Your main points are on topic and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
You use a clear 4-part structure: intro, 2 body parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like 'One main advantage', 'In addition', 'However', and 'As a result'.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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