IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In their advertising, businesses nowadays usually emphasise that their products are new in some way. Why is this? Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays,
people
Use synonyms
consumes
Correct subject-verb agreement
consume
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 everything faster
Linking Words
according to
Correct word choice
than in the
show examples
 past. That’s why companies want to advertise their
products
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as state-of-the-art
products
Use synonyms
. I think it is
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
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 development for our environment for two reasons
:
Punctuation problem
:
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 when production is growing dramatically, our world is polluted more, and it increases depression among
people
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, all companies produce tons of new
products
Use synonyms
 every
year
Use synonyms
,
although
Linking Words
 they don’t introduce a new innovation for their product.
Business
Check wording
Businesses
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 used to invest
to
Change preposition
in
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 new cutting-edge technologies. Production rate was low;
however
Linking Words
, product
qualities
Check wording
quality
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 had been increasing every
year
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
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, the quality of everything dropped dramatically in
the
Correct word choice
recent
show examples
last
Linking Words
 years,
although
Linking Words
 production is rapidly growing.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, depression rates are increasing these days. It may
looks
Wrong verb form
look
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 irrelevant;
however
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, when
people
Use synonyms
 started consuming rapidly and living in fast-pace life, they can’t be satisfied easily anymore.
This
Linking Words
 situation affects
people
Use synonyms
’s motivation and mental health considerably, because our dopamine system is affected by every new product and technology.
For instance
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, Apple
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is one of the most famous technology
brand
Fix the agreement mistake
brands
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;
Punctuation problem
,
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 produces new iPhones each
year
Use synonyms
, and
people
Use synonyms
 race with each
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other
show examples
 to buy these brand-new phones, even if they are poor. When they can’t own these gadgets, they start feeling
depressive
Replace the word
depressed
.
Consequently
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, we should act more reasonably
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 we shouldn’t be affected by new advertisements and influencers who promote new
products
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, companies should focus more on quality, rather than quantity.
However
Linking Words
, it is
very
Correct article usage
a very
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though
Correct word choice
tough
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 situation for stakeholders these days; because when they produce thousands of new gadgets every
year
Use synonyms
,
although
Linking Words
 they include previous technologies, they gain more money, because customers buy more.
Overall
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, we can call
this
Linking Words
 situation as double-edge sword.
Linking Words
According to
Change preposition
In
show examples
 my opinion,
business
Check wording
businesses
show examples
 should find a balance between quality and quantity.

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Task response
Overall estimated score: 5. You answer both questions, but the first question needs a fuller answer. Explain more clearly why businesses say products are new: they want more sales, want to look better than other businesses, and want people to feel they need the latest product.
Task response
Keep your main idea close to the question. Some parts talk about fast life and depression, but the link to advertising is not always clear. Show how ads make people want new products, then explain the result.
Task response
Develop each reason with a simple chain: ads say a product is new → people buy more often → old products are thrown away → there is more waste and pollution.
Task response
Your Apple example is useful, but do not say poor people become depressed just because they cannot buy a phone. This is too broad. Say that some people may feel pressure or unhappiness instead.
Coherence and cohesion
Use one clear idea in each paragraph. Paragraph 2 should only discuss pollution and waste. Paragraph 3 should only discuss pressure on people and mental health.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body paragraph state the main point clearly. For example: “First, ads for new products can lead to more waste and pollution.”
Coherence and cohesion
Some ideas do not flow well. The sentence about old technology, low production, and better quality is hard to follow. Give one simple point and one example instead of many ideas in one part.
Coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion repeats your view, which is good, but “double-edge sword” makes the view less clear. End with one firm view: this is mainly negative because it leads to more waste and puts pressure on people.
Task response
You give a clear view: this is a negative change. You also give two main reasons: harm to the world and harm to people’s mental health.
Task response
The Apple and iPhone example is clear and linked to your point about people wanting new things.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use some useful linking words, such as “Firstly”, “Furthermore”, “For instance”, and “Consequently”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • emphasise
  • advertising
  • products
  • innovation
  • competitive strategy
  • consumer dissatisfaction
  • value
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