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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should be taught how to manage money at school, while others think that this is the responsibility of parents. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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It is an irrefutable fact that financial literacy has become an essential part of a child’s life.
While
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 some
people
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 argue that
money
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management
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 should be taught through
school’s
Correct article usage
the school’s
show examples
 curriculum, other rejects
this
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 notion and believe that a child’s father and mother should take
this
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 responsibility. I agree with the latter view because financial knowledge increases with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hands-on experience
while
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 managing household
expenses
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.
This
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 essay will analyse my views using relevant examples. Many
people
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 are of the view that the schools should incorporate
this
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 subject in their syllabus to
equipe
Correct your spelling
equip
 the
children
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 with an appropriate financial knowledge. They should be given some practical knowledge and class projects about
money
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management
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. To illustrate, students should be given some virtual
money
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 and asked to spend
in
Correct pronoun usage
it in
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virtual
Correct article usage
a virtual
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 market
while
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 keeping track of their daily
expenses
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.
Additionally
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, to offer a real exposure to the financial world, they can be sent to the market or banks
along with
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 their teachers to obtain more information about how
money
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 is managed in the real world.
However
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, I believe their parents can educate them in a more effective way than schools because
children
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 observe their family’s
budget related
Correct your spelling
budget-related
 discussions and routine
expenses
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 very closely. I support the
people
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 with the perspective that
children
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 have
profound
Correct article usage
a profound
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 influence
of
Change preposition
on
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 their parents’ everyday
money
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-related discussions and transactions.
For example
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, when a father plans to buy an electronic item, he is more likely to discuss
this
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 with his wife in
presence
Correct article usage
the presence
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 of their
children
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. At that time, a child interprets and
analyse
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analyses
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 the factors influencing their decision,
such
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 as their consideration of monthly groceries
expenses
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, any pending
installment
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instalment
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, or budget for any festival celebration.
While
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 a child learns about all these scenarios,
the
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 get a hands-on experience about personal saving, investment and
expenses
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.
Moreover
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,
children
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 spend their crucial behaviour formative years with their parents and learn
foundation
Correct article usage
the foundation
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 of
the
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apply
show examples
money
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management
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 skills, which
reflects
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reflect
show examples
 in their personality throughout their life.
Although
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,
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apply
show examples
 some
people
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 strongly argue that schools should be given accountability
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 teaching
money
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management
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, I believe parents can teach them more effectively. They offer
children
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 pragmatic ways of learning how to
take
Verb problem
make
show examples
 prudent financial decisions in life.

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task response
Answer both sides in a fair way. Your school side has ideas, but the parent side is longer and stronger. Add one more clear reason why school lessons may help all children, especially those whose parents do not know much about money.
task response
Give a more direct opinion in the first paragraph and keep it the same to the end. Your view is clear, but say that parents should have the main role and schools can also help.
task response
Use examples that are more real and fully explained. The virtual money idea is useful. Show what a child learns from it, such as how to save, plan, and choose what not to buy.
coherence and cohesion
Your four-part shape is clear: start, school view, parent view, end. Keep this shape in future essays.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long. Split them into two shorter sentences so the reader can follow your point more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a simple and clear way. For example: First, Also, However, For example, As a result, In short. Do not start the last paragraph with "Although" because the sentence is not finished in the usual way.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid saying the same point again. You repeat that parents give better real-life learning. Add a new point instead, such as parents know their child's needs and can give small weekly money for practice.
task response
You discuss both views and give your own view clearly. This meets the main need of the question.
task response
Your ideas are on topic. School projects, family budgets, shopping, and bank visits all fit the subject well.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one main focus: school first, then parents. This makes the essay easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as "For example", "Additionally", "However", and "Moreover".
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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