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Writing Samples
Band 3

Older-school children should learn a wide range of subjects and develop knowledge, or they should only learn a small number of subjects in detail. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Nowadays,old schools believe that
admission
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students
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 should learn a wide range of
syllabus
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syllabi
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 at school.
While
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 others think that they should learn a short
quantity of
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apply
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educational program in
article
Correct article usage
an article
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.In
this
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 essay, I am going to write about the two views.In my opinion,
students
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 should learn a large number of
subjects
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 so they can grow their knowledge more. On the one hand,some older schools think children should learn a huge number of modules.That will assist them in growing their ability and making them smarter.
For instance
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,there was a debate in 2021 that found that
admission
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admissions
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 who class a large number of
subjects
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 are much smarter and have more education than
recruitment
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those
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 who consideration fewer syllabus at school.
Therefore
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,parents should enrol their children in
a
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an
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 older school.
On the other hand
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,others believe that
students
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 should
class
Use the right word
take
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 fewer
program
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programs
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 of
studies
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study
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 but
in
Change preposition
with
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 more design.That will make them have a lot of knowledge in
these
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this
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 syllabus.
For example
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,when a student is studying 5
subjects
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 will not be like a student who studies a subject in more detail.
As a result
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,the student who studies one subject in detail will have more experience. In conclusion,
students
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 should study more
subjects
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,because that will assist their knowlege
also
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 make them smarter.
Moreover
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,it will make them used to the pressure of studying.
Therefore
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,I believe
students
Use synonyms
 should learn more
subjects
Use synonyms
.

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overall score
Score: 5. You answer the main question and your essay has a clear shape. However, many word choices are wrong or unclear, so some ideas are hard to understand.
task response
Develop both views more. Explain why learning many subjects helps in later life, and why learning fewer subjects in detail may help a child become very good at one area.
task response
Your example about a 2021 debate is not clear and does not sound strong. Use a simple, real-life example instead. For example: a child who studies science, art, and history can find what he or she likes best.
task response
Keep the topic words clear. Write “students” or “children”, not “admission” or “recruitment”. Write “subjects”, not “syllabus”, “modules”, or “program” in this essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part follow one simple plan: main idea, why it is true, then an example. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences do not link well. For example, “when a student is studying 5 subjects...” is not complete. Write: “A student who studies five subjects may have less time for each one.”
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same point many times. In the end, say your view once, then give one clear reason.
task response
You talk about both views and give your own view. Your main view is clear: children should study more subjects.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. You use links such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “In conclusion”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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