IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Surveillance cameras in banks, offices, shops and streets have been very successful in reducing crime in the workplace and public, but they are also took for their users to spy on people's private business. what problems do surveillance cameras create? what are the solutions?

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The Role of Surveillance
Cameras
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 in Modern Society
:
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:
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 A Double-Edged Sword In contemporary society, many communities
prioritize
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prioritise
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 personal
privacy
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, leading to a debate about the effectiveness of
supervision
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surveillance
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cameras
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 in public areas like banks and shops.
While
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 crime rates have decreased over the past decade
due to
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 these
cameras
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, concerns have arisen about their potential misuse. As attacks continue, people question whether surveillance
cameras
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 are truly a solution.
This
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 essay explores the challenges posed by strangers using
video
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 data, and private life, the impact on personal
privacy
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, and potential solutions. A primary concern is the infringement on individual
privacy
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. Everyone has the right to control their personal space and information. One problem is
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cameras
Correct word choice
that cameras
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 may record people all day, workers may feel watched
,
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.
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 Another problem is
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video
Correct word choice
that video
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 may be shared or used in the wrong way. Recently, social media has been filled with videos taken in public areas, often uploaded by strangers without consent.
This
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 intrusion violates
privacy
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 rights. A study published by the FBI in 2015 revealed that criminals increasingly use social media to monitor activities, gathering information from public surveillance feeds, which can facilitate criminal
behaviors
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behaviours
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. Governments play a crucial role in protecting citizens
while
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 maintaining public safety. To solve
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this
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this,
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 it is essential to implement robust security measures resistant to hacking.
Additionally
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, strict penalties must be enforced for
privacy
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 violations,
such
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 as prison for any crime
with
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,
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 paying
to
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apply
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the victims and the status too.
Finally
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, Education is
also
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 vital; schools should teach students about crime, ethics, and legal consequences. Look to Japan as
example
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an example
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 ,
has
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which has
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 demonstrated the importance of education, leading to improved safety and greater compliance with laws. In conclusion,
while
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 control
cameras
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 enhance public safety, they
also
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 challenge personal
privacy
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. Governments must balance protecting citizens’ rights ,
strong
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strict
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 rules, safe
video
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 systems, and limits on who can see the
video
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,
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moreover
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moreover,
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 with
promot
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promoting
 education to foster a law-abiding society. Addressing these issues can lead to safer communities without compromising individual freedoms.

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task response
Overall score: 6. Your ideas are on topic, but explain each problem and each solution more fully. For example, say how video sharing can harm a person’s job, family, or safety.
task response
The FBI study is not well explained and may not be true. In this test, a clear made-up example is often better: “For example, a worker may be filmed and the video may be put online without permission.”
task response
Make the solutions more exact. Say who can watch the videos, how long videos are kept, and what happens when a person shares a video without permission.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In paragraph 2, privacy, workers, social media, and crime are all mixed together. Split or order these ideas more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are joined with commas when they should be full sentences. For example: “One problem is cameras may record people all day. Workers may feel watched.”
coherence and cohesion
Use clear links between the problem and the answer. For example: “To stop this, governments should…” This makes the essay easier to follow.
task response
You answer both questions: you show problems and give ways to solve them.
task response
Your main idea is clear: cameras can help stop crime, but they can also harm privacy.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, main body, and end.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful linking words, such as “Additionally”, “Finally”, and “In conclusion”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • surveillance
  • privacy invasion
  • misuse
  • cybercriminals
  • over-reliance
  • psychological impact
  • data storage
  • data breaches
  • compliance
  • behavioral changes
  • regulations
  • signage
  • encrypting
  • secured storage
  • privacy rights
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